From Sunrise to Sunset
by xFeedMePoisonedCandyx
Summary: Who has spent the night in Renji's bed? A full scale investigation is launched by the clueless redhead. Renji x ? Set after the s.s arc. No spoilers, but guy x guy. Nothing too risky, just implied.
1. The Cold Light of Day

**From Sunrise to Sunset**

**Summary:** Renji hasn't got aany idea who he spent the night with. So far he has only one clue - it's apparently a guy. And he needs to find out before the rumour gets everywhere, which means he's got less than a day to figure it out.

**Warning:** shounen ai (that's guyxguy, but nothing too risqué). Not in this chapter, but later on I'm sure. I'll let you know when.

**Pairing:** RenjiX??? Not telling just yet!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach. Does anyone, I wonder…

* * *

The clock on the bedside cabinet read 5:20 a.m. Most people in Soul Society were still sleeping, especially those who had stayed up a little too late to enjoy a little too much sake the night before.

_Wake up._

He stirred on his pillow, but didn't wake.

_I said, wake up._

He rolled over and muttered something, but his eyes remained resolutely closed.

_Renji! Awaken at once!_

Groaning, Renji managed to force his eyelids open. From the pale glow that streamed in through the curtains, he guessed it was very early in the morning.

_Look around_, hissed Zabimaru's voice from deep inside of him. _Have you noticed? You have failed once again, Renji._

Renji sat up, ignoring the pounding in his head as he did so.

'With a hangover this bad, why the hell would I wake up?' he growled to the voice in his head, 'what're ya talking about now?'

_You are clearly still drunk. Look. He is not here, is he?_

The pain in Renji's forehead seemed to cease for a second, then returned at full force. Looking to the side of him, he saw that Zabimaru was right. There was, indeed, no one there. The tousled bedclothes and dent in the pillow, however, suggested that the bed had been previously occupied by more than himself.

_Who the hell?_ he thought to himself, a feeling of panic starting to gather in his chest. Someone had been in his bed. The only reason someone would be in his bed was if him and said someone had slept together. And Zabimaru had said… that the someone was a _guy_?

Oh shit.

_You remember then?_

No, he damn well didn't! Who was this unknown male he had spent the night with?

Izuru? Shuuei? Ikaku? Or, God forbid, Yumichika?

All of them were possible, he supposed. He had been with them all last night, which was the reason he now had this shocking hangover. But none seemed really likely.

Izuru might have, to try and take away the pain that Ichimaru had left him with, but Renji was sure that Kira missed his captain way too much to start playing around just yet.

Shuuei was a possibility. The guy did get, you know, _cravings_ pretty often. But he was a definite red blooded guy, and he had a very obvious crush on Matsumoto. So that wasn't too likely either.

Ikkaku? Nah. He hated guys who '_swung the other way'_ as he put it.

But then again he was friends with Yumichika, the gayest man in Soul Society.

Yumichika…_please no_, Renji prayed. But when he thought about it, Yumichika often said how much prettier he was than Renji. He probably wouldn't…but you never know…

And on top of that, Zabimaru had said he'd_ failed_. Failed at what? He'd never had feelings for any of them. Ok, so he knew that he was bi, but he did not have a crush on any of his friends. In fact, the only person he liked at the moment was Rukia..

'Zabimaru!'

_What now?_

'Who is it?' Renji demanded, 'who was here last night?'

_Tsk. Have you not guessed, Renji? If not, I certainly won't tell you. It will be an interesting pastime for you, trying to find out the mysterious man who you—_

'Ok!' he yelled, 'Don't wanna help me? I'll find out myself! It's not like I'm embarrassed by it or anything!'

He winced and clutched his head. Yelling when hungover, he discovered that morning, was not a good idea.

* * *

Eeek! Who could it be? XD

Please R&R, I'll update as soon as possible. Look out for the next chapter!


	2. Breakfast at Yumichika's

**Disclaimer:** don't own Bleach etc.

**Warning:** language, once, but nothing else

* * *

Renji couldn't manage breakfast. The taste of whatever you drank the night before would be enough to put anyone off breakfast.

Instead, he decided to put his time to better use. Namely, finding Mr. X before the rumours got out of hand. He had no way of knowing, of course, if anyone had seen the two of them together. But he knew from past experience how fast news travelled in Soul Society.

Ok, he thought as he raced out of his room, there were a pretty big group of us there last night. And they're scattered between all the divisions…

Renji decided that he'd start on familiar ground, where he could find two pairs of eyes. He headed first to Eleventh Division.

Yumichika was sat on the front step of the main compound, gazing at himself in a small hand held mirror.

Ahhh… it's the simple things that make life worthwhile, he thought to himself. The glorious sunshine, the sound of birds singing… one's own reflection in a mirror…

Luckily, he was one of the people Renji was looking for.

'Yumi…' he began, before he was rudely interrupted.

'You know, it never ceases to amaze me how dazzling I am…' the infamously vain shinigami sighed to himself. 'I can't help but feel for those poor people who look in the mirror and see nothing but ugliness staring back at them.' He managed to tear his eyes from his own reflection for a second, 'People like you, Renji.'

'Look, I just need to…hey!' Renji suddenly got that he'd been insulted, 'Whadya mean, people like me?!'

'Renji, I'm afraid that to talk about all the reasons you are _not _attractive would give me less time to talk about all the reasons I _am_ attractive.'

'Yumi, listen, I need to know what happened last night.'

'How do I look Renji?' Yumichika gazed up at him, a questioning look in his eyes.

Renji almost ripped his hair out. The vain bastard wanted _flattering_?!

'Bloody radiant! Now tell me what happened last night!'

'Radiant?' Yumichika's smile grew so wide it was quite alarming, 'I've never thought to use that word about myself before, but I must admit, it is perfect!'

He leapt up and wrapped his arms around the surprised redhead.

'Oh Renji, who knew that you had such a beautiful tongue! I'd never have thought…'

'What the hell're ya talkin' about, ya fruity bastard?'

Shit, Renji thought. Having Ikkaku show up and hear that last exchange about his beautiful tongue wouldn't serve well to squash any rumours from last night.

'Oh hey, Renji,' the bald shinigami suddenly noticed his presence, 'what the hell you doin' here? This ain't your squad anymore, ya know.'

'Ikkaku, listen. I need to know what happened last night.'

'Oh… ya mean at the bar?' Ikkaku scratched his head thoughtfully, 'well I dunno… I mean, ya weren't the only drunk one Renji. Tell ya the truth, i'm still a bit hungover.'

He laughed, and clutched at his head. It was then Renji noticed Ikkaku had his shoes on the wrong feet.

'But I mean, did you maybe see if anyone... hooked up or... anything?' he asked, trying to keep his tone casual.

'I saw.' Yumichika suddenly said.

Both thugs turned to look at him.

'You did?'

'You did?'

'Oh yes,' he smiled, 'Alcohol is very bad for the skin, you know. I never drink.'

He clapped a hand on Ikkaku's shoulder.

'You, my follicly challenged friend, gave us all a _vile_ karaoke rendition of _Every Rose Has It's Thorn_.'

Ikkaku roared with laughter, and said; 'So I really did sing? Ha! I knew it wasn't a dream!'

'And you Renji…' Yumichika paused, and a faint line appeared between his brows, 'I don't remember seeing you… did you find the company tiresome?'

'Or didya get lucky?' winked the much cruder Ikkaku, nudging him.

Renji couldn't believe it. The one person who hadn't been drunk _hadn't seen him_?

'But why so curious? Did something happen that didn't look so beautiful in the cold light of day, perhaps?'

'Or was she so friggin' ugly that your hopin' no-one noticed you left with her?' Ikkaku was almost bent double from laughing so much.

'No, it's…'

'Was she fat?'

'No!' Renji had had enough, 'forget it. Just shut up, both of you.'

Renji stalked off, leaving Ikkaku howling and Yumichika smirking. Fine. If they weren't going to be of any use, he'd fine someone who was.

Racking his brains, he remembered that Matsumoto had been in the bar last night. Right then , next stop was Tenth Division.

* * *

How was that? Please review! xxx

if anyone has any ideas about what might have happened to various shinigami at the bar, please tell me. i have one idea, but i think we need a few more. let me know!

Next chapter coming soon, promise!


	3. The Goddess of Sake and The Brat

**Warning:** Nothing, except for a very angry Toushiro. I'd pay money to see that, he'd look sooooo adorable!

* * *

'Matsumoto!'

Renji raced into Squad Ten. He figured that after Yumichika, Matsumoto was his next best hope. True, she would have been drunk herself (obviously). But there was a reason that she was known as the Goddess of Sake. Renji had to admit, he'd been very impressed on occasion when he'd seen Matsumoto drink as much as some guys ans still be quite steady on her feet.

'Matsumoto!' he burst into the office. Fortunately the doors were not locked, otherwise it would have been quite a painful experience.

'Aaarrggh!' there was a loud thud and what looked like the mother of all paperwork piles crashed to the floor.

'Abarai!'

Ooops. Captain Hitsugaya was sitting behind his desk, staring at the previously ordered paperwork that was now spread across the floor.

'Just what the hell do you think you're doing?' he yelled.

'Errr…' Renji tried to stay calm, despite the fact the temperature in the room was rapidly dropping, and Hitsugaya's hand kept twitching towards his Zanpakutou.

'I was… erm… looking for Matsumoto… is she….'

Hitsugaya gave his infamous Stop-Talking-Immediately-Or-Find-Yourself-Encased-In-Ice glare, and pointed a finger dramatically at the bathroom door. From inside came the noise of retching and groaning.

'I suppose you want to talk to her about last night.' Hitsugaya sat back down behind his desk. There was a strange expression on his face.

Renji stared. Was the white haired prodigy _smirking_? Yes, he was, in a way that made Renji feel very nervous.

'Matsumoto, you okay in there?' he asked, knocking gently on the door.

'Fine…' was the feeble reply.

'You're pretty brave to show your face after last night.'

Renji froze. Had Hitsugaya actually said that? It had been so quiet, he wasn't sure if he'd just imagined it. Glancing over his shoulder, he stole a look at the Captain. Hitsugaya was smiling in a way that could only be described as evil, a wicked glint in his emerald eyes.

_He knows._

'Whadya mean?' Renji asked cautiously.

'I. Know. What. You. Did. Last. Night.' Hitsugaya said each word slowly and clearly. There was a look of absolute glee on his face.

'I didn't do anything!' Renji protested, even though he had no idea whether or not that was true.

'Then why are you here, desperately trying to wake up Matsumoto?' Hitsugaya demanded, 'my guess is, you don't remember what happened, but you realise something _did_ happen, so you need someone to tell you so you can stop the rumour before it gets everywhere.'

Renji had to admit he was impressed. The kid really was a genius after all.

'Well, Matsumoto _did_ mention something…' Renji was quite alarmed at how much the kid's grin was starting to resemble Ichimaru's, 'about make-up…'

'Make-up?' Renji asked, dumbfounded, 'what about make-up?'

'I suggest you ask her.' Hitsugaya turned back to his paperwork, still grinning.

'Listen, brat… err, I mean, captain,' he added respectfully as Hitsugaya's smirk vanished and was replaced by a cold, hard glare, 'if you know anything about last night I _really_ think you ought to…'

'Hey Renji!' Matsumoto emerged from the bathroom, looking surprisingly cheery for someone who was nursing a terrible hangover, 'how are you?'

'Matsumoto,' he jumped in before Hitsugaya could explain him in a way he didn't want to be explained, 'what's this about make-up? The kid,' here he stopped and pointed at her seated Captain, 'won't tell me.'

'Make-up?' Rangiku's face went completely blank for a second.

'Oh yes!' she clapped her hands delightedly, 'Wasn't it _sooooo_ funny?'

She broke into peals of laughter. Renji allowed her ten seconds of reminiscence, before shaking her by the shoulders.

'MatsumototellmewhathappenedNOW!!'

'Izuru had one too many and ended up looking a little… what's the word? Feminine…' she smiled and shrugged Renji's hands off her shoulders.

'Izuru?' Renji forgot his own problems momentarily. Then…

'You said…' he turned to face Hitsugaya.

The Tenth Division Captain shrugged, his patented cold expression back on his face.

'I wanted to watch you suffer. That's what you get for messing up my paperwork. Get out of my office.'

'Rangiku…' he turned back to the blonde, 'I need your help. I think something might have happened last night, but I don't remember exactly what. Know anyone who might?'

'Errr…aaaa….ummm… What about Hinamori?'

There was a spluttering sound from somewhere behind the stacks of forms.

'Hinamori?' Hitsugaya looked like he'd seen a ghost, 'sh-she was there last night?'

'Oh yeah,' said Renji in an off-hand way, suddenly spotting the perfect way to get his revenge, 'who was it she was making out with, Rangiku? I don't really remember…'

He smiled as Hitsugaya stared at him with a priceless expression on his face.

'You're lying,' He managed through gritted teeth, 'Hinamori's not… she wouldn't…'

'Oh she would,' Renji said, really enjoying himself now, 'she's quite the party animal, isn't she?'

He looked at Matsumoto, who seemed delighted to be included in the early morning game of Tease-The-Captain.

'Oh yeah, she's pretty outrageous when she's wasted,' Rangiku giggled.

'You know Hitsugaya-taichou, that _girl you don't like_…'

'Get out! Get out before I strangle you, you red headed baboon!'

Fun though teasing the boy genius about his 'girlfriend' was, Renji decided that if Hitsugaya froze him solid, he'd lose precious time to interrogate people.

He back out of the room, leaving a seething Hitsugaya and a giggling Matsumoto in his wake.

It was only when he was halfway down the corridor that he realised: he hadn't actually found out anything remotely useful. Except that, if Kira really did wear Rangiku's make-up, it looked like he wasn't the only one who'd made a fool of himself.

He sighed, and decided to follow Rangiku's advice and talk to Hinamori.

* * *

so how was it? i wrote it in about 30 minutes, when i'd just woken up. still, i don't think it's too bad...

i may be wrong though! all reviews, and any further suggestions for the plot are very welcome!


	4. Momo's List

**Warning:** Language. Quite a bit. Sorry!

* * *

The sun was already high in the sky as Renji raced over to Squad Five. If anyone would remember last night, it'd be Hinamori. Since she'd only recently come out of her coma, Captain Unohana had forbidden her to drink, period. And she wasn't the kind of girl to gossip.

His heart was pounding as he hurtled down the corridor.

This is better than training, he thought, I should suggest this that we do this every morn-

'OUCH!'

There was a loud _thwack_ and papers flew everywhere as he slammed into Momo coming round the corner.

'Momo! Oh, ow! Er… sorry 'bout that,' he leapt to his feet, clutching his head.

'Oh, no, Renji, never mind,' she gasped, arms wrapped around her stomach, 'it was an accident. Oh no, the paperwork! And it was all ordered and everything!' she scrambled around on the floor, trying to collect up the forms.

'Here, I'll do that…' he bent down and starting gathering up the sheets.

'Oh, you don't have to…'

'Nah, s'ok.'

He strode down the corridor, paperwork in his arms. Momo hurried along at his side, chatting all the while.

'It was fun last night wasn't it? Ikkaku's singing – well, actually, he's more of an entertainer than a singer, isn't he?' she laughed happily.

Renji glanced sideways at her. It was great to see her enjoying herself again. She'd been so down recently that last night Rangiku had insisted she go with them all to the bar. Even though she couldn't drink, she'd clearly had a good time.

'You're lookin' good, Momo.'

'Thank you.' She smiled and turned pink.

'Best not let Captain Shortypants hear me say that, eh?' he winked

She turned even redder.

'Oh, errr… I mean, it's nothing like that-'

'Just kiddin' Momo. Listen, I need you to help me,' he said, setting the files down on her desk, 'last night. What happened? Please. I've been running all over the place tryin' to find someone who remembers.'

'Why?' she looked puzzled.

Renji hesitated. If he told her, she'd probably find it disgusting. But on the other hand, if he didn't say anything, then he'd lose his one chance at stopping the rumours.

'Because… because something happened last night, and I don't know what. I think I might have done something… if you remember anything at all…'

She frowned, thinking back.

'I don't know what you got up to. I spent most of the night with Ise, she wasn't drinking either. But if you like, I could give you a list of everyone who was there? Would that help?'

Renji almost passed out.

'Ah, Momo, yer a life saver, seriously!'

He grabbed a piece of paper and a pen off the top of her desk.

'No!' she cried suddenly.

'What?'

'Err… well, I… that paper is…' she was getting very flustered. He glanced down at the paper he was holding. There were two letters doodled there, outlined in hearts.

'Who's H.T.?' he asked mischeivously, although he thought he knew who it was.

'No-one!' she snatched it back, blushing furiously, 'here, _I'll _make the list.'

She started going through the names. Renji mentally crossed most of them out as she went.

'Iba.' Eww. No way. Too butch.

'Ukitake-taichou.' Nah, he wouldn't have been drunk. Next.

'Kyokura-taichou.' Probably wouldn't have been drunk_ enough_.

'Zaraki-taichou.' Oh please God, no.

'Yachiru-chan.' Female. And _waaaay_ too young.

'Isane-fukutaichou.' Female, again.

'Shuuei, Yumichika, Ikkaku.' All of them had been eliminated, except for Shuuei, who was so far his most likely suspect.

'And then of course me, Rangiku, Ise and Kira,' she finished, and smiled up at him, 'that help?'

'Errr… yeah, I think so.'

'Good,' she turned back and began re-organising the papers, 'oh, and I almost forgot, Ichigo was there too, but he left after a little while.'

Renji froze halfway to the door.

'Kurosaki?'

'Yep. Said he was looking for you, but he's back in the human world now, I think,' she frowned, 'are you alright?'

No, he was not alright. Could it be that Ichigo was…

'Renji, what's wrong, you look like you're going to be sick! Should I call Unohana-taichou?'

'No, I'm fine,' he gasped, desperately trying to think of anything to take away his sudden feeling of nausea. The thought that he and Ichigo might have… Aaaargh! No wonder he didn't stick around this morning!

He headed out the door, ignoring Momo's questions. All he could think about was Ichigo. And unfortunately, it was in _that_ sense. It was the most bizarre thing he'd ever thought, but he honestly would have preferred it to be Capatin Zaraki.

And if Ichigo had gone back to the human world… well, that pretty much confirmed it, didn't it? Desperate to avoid him, probably.

So now, was there really any point in continuing the search? It was about 90 percent certain that Ichigo was Mr. X.

_But 90 isn't 100, is it?_

Zabimaru?

_Yes?_

Was it Ichigo? Is he the guy, who, ya know?

_I don't know. Is he? What do you think?_

Deep down? No… but who else?

_Keep looking, I suggest. And think about it – if you could, who would you _really_ want to sleep with?_

Rukia.

_That's it? Anyone else?_

No. No-one.

_Sure?_

Yes, dammit! What do you know?

_Nothing…_

'Fine then!' Renji yelled out loud, suddenly losing his temper with the voice in his head and scaring several lower class shinigami, 'I'll carry on searching! It's not like I need you to help me find out who it is I f-'

'Renji.'

Oh shit. Shit shit shiiiiiit. He knew who that cold voice belonged to.

He turned around slowly, praying that Hisagi or Ikkaku was playing a joke on him. Or he was hallucinating this entire horrible episode, and would shortly wake up safe in Squad Four.

No luck. Captain Kuchiki stood before him, staring at him with those cold, unfeeling eyes. The only blessing was that he hadn't atcually said the 'F' word in front of his aristocratic taichou.

'Oh… er, hey captain,' he tried to smile, although he was quite certain that the flesh was melting on his face, 'what're ya-'

'Renji, is there a reason that you didn't appear in your office at ten o'clock? Because, as far as I am concerned, that is the time you are supposed to be there.' The noble's face was as impassive as ever, but Renji had been with him long enough to tell when the man was pissed. And right now, he most certainly was.

'Errr, well ya see…' he began, knowing he was wasting his time.

'I don't wish you to tell me what I see Renji.' Capatin Kuchiki's infamous cool looked close to breaking point.

God, he was angry. But Renji had completely forgotten that he was supposed to be sat at his desk, filling out forms and other such mundane things. Hell, there was a crisis going on here!

_Try to look at the big picture, rich boy! _he wanted to yell, but mercifully managed to restrain himself.

'You're late for work, and you know how I will not tolerate lateness,' the noble continued icily, probably causing the temperature to drop several degrees in the process, 'head to the office immediately. This will not happen again, understood?'

Renji gritted his teeth and swallowed with pride, which had already taken a severe beating today.

'Yes, sir.'

The Kuchiki heir set off, with his lieutenant following meekly behind.

_Prig,_ Renji inwardly hissed at his captain's back, _Aristocrat. Bastard. Iceberg._

Damn him. This meant he was going to lose time, which he desperately needed to find out who had left in such a hurry this morning. The chances of Kuchiki giving him a day off? Whatever number comes before zero.

* * *

Mwahahahaaaa is it Ichigo?! Who could it be??? 

Sorry Renji! -chuckles evilly-

Thanks for all the reviews so far!

Also to ichixrenji-smexy love : I'm not finished tormenting Kira – the torture has only just begun. Watch this space.


	5. Office Politics

**A/N:** I suppose this would be the equivalent of a filler episode. Sorry, but it does fit into the story, even if it is a bit away from the plot.

Still no juicy bits! But I think there's language, but I cant really remember.

* * *

Renji was sitting at his desk, and trying very hard not to slam his head into it. It was nearly midday. Kuchiki was such a friggin' workaholic that he wouldn't give his subordinate a lunch break for at least another hour. And probably not even then if he hadn't finished most of the paperwork. 

He glanced over at his captain. Was it just him, or was his taichou looking a little nervous? Emotions were so out of place on Kuchiki's face that Renji couldn't help being a little worried.

'Summat wrong, captain?' he asked, wishing after he'd said it that he'd used proper English. _Summat_ wasn't even a real word, for God's sake.

'Nothing.' He replied calmly, but a faint frown line had appeared between his eyes. That, more than anything, confirmed that something was up.

So Kuchiki was freaking out about something?

Ooooh, fun! What could it be? All Renji's own problems vanished as he wondered what could be bothering his captain. Interesting how thinking about the misery of others helped him.

Maybe the captain was having family problems. That would be fun, watching as he panicked about the oldies from his clan. Unless it was something to do with Rukia… he wouldn't want that.

Maybe his captain had lost something. Like his hairbrush, or his aftershave. Probably sweating now, wondering what he'd done with one of his ridiculously overpriced possessions.

It'd be for the best if he lost some of his stuff anyway. Renji had been to the Kuchiki manor once before, and he could tell that he'd never be able to afford even half the cutlery. Not that he really had any use for cutlery anyway.

Ha, maybe it was a _really_ personal problem. Like an embarrassing illness or something. What kind of thing could Captain Kuchiki have that was making him frown, snap at his subordinates and, Renji now noticed, shift uncomfortably in his seat?

Renji amused himself for several minutes trying to diagnose the captain. He had just got on to the more x-rated ones (imagine if the Kuchiki elders found out their precious heir had an STD!) when he suddenly noticed the captain wasn't at his desk anymore.

In fact, he was stood right in front of Renji's.

Arrrggh! Renji was practically eating the inside of his cheeks in a desperate attempt to not laugh. It was like the time in the human world when Ichigo had taken them all to the park, and Captain Hitsugaya had fallen into some really sticky mud and started panicking that he was going to get sucked under and die. And then Rangiku had told him it was the same patch of grass they had stood on yesterday, and it had just rained and he mustn't get himself worked up.

To laugh in this situation, as with the park scenario, would be like laughing at a sabre-toothed tiger. Or Captain Zaraki in a bad mood. But the desire to giggle like a schoolboy was becoming uncontrollably strong. He was sure the aristocrat wouldn't appreciate it if he snorted with mirth in his face.

Actually, Renji realised with a sudden horror, he wouldn't be snorting in the captain's face. Because he was sitting down, and the captain was standing up, his was currently staring at the source of the captain's 'illness'.

OHMYGOD!!!!

'Renji, I...' Byakuya began, then narrowed his eyes very slightly as Renji let out a howl of laughter, 'what, may I ask, is so funny?

'C-captain… I'm so s-s-sorry,' he gasped, clutching his sides and desperately trying to regain his composure, 'I was just wonderin' what was up with you, and I thought- I thought…'

'You thought that I was suffering from some personal problem? And you find my problems amusing?'

Ohhhh…. Renji sobered up. That didn't make him sound like a particularly caring lieutenant.

'Err… no captain,' he said, managing to keep his voice under control, 'I was just… erm, thinking about… somethin' that a friend of mine said.'

'I see…' he didn't look particularly convinced.

'Err, anyways captain,' Renji made a sincere effort to look and sound professional, 'what's up? Dya need somethin' signin'?'

'No, it's…' Byakuya paused and looked pained. He glanced down at his subordinate with a strange expression on his face.

'Nothing,' he sighed, and for the tiniest moment he looked slightly upset, 'if you wish, you can leave.'

Renji wasn't sure he'd heard correctly. Kuchiki Byakuya, the legendary workaholic and rigorous rule-abider, was giving him _time off_? When he hadn't even asked for it? This day was getting more bizarre by the minute. And why was he all upset? The man was an enigma wrapped in ice wrapped in a scarf.

'Wow! Err, thanks, taichou!' he grinned. Maybe Kuchiki wasn't such a hardass after all.

'But I expect you here tomorrow. _On time_, if that's not too much trouble.'

'Yeah, no worries,' Renji gathered up his stuff and headed for the door. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Byakuya sit back at his desk with a very unhappy expression on his face.

Still, no time to worry about him. Renji glanced at Momo's lifesaving list.

Kira. Rangiku had said he had got all done up in her make up. It wouldn't be too embarrassing talking to him, would it? Renji could confide in him without fear of being laughed at. And they could try and comfort each other. That'd work.

It was about half past twelve, and most people were taking a lunch break. Renji past various people he knew, but wasn't in the mood for chat. All he needed to do was find Izuru and talk to him about last night.

Maybe it was his imagination, but he was sure he was getting a few funny looks as he went past. Sure, the sight of a sprinting lietenanant was likely to attract attention, but he couldn't shake the feeling that people were talking about him as he past.

_Crap_, he thought as he banged on Izuru's door, _I'm runnin' out of time. It looks like someone's said something…_

Bang. No answer.

'Izuru!' he yelled, 'you in there?'

No answer, but when he pressed his ear to the door, he could definitely hear groaning noises. Sounded like Izuru was just waking up. Poor guy still hadn't learnt that when you reach your limit, you have to _stop drinking_.

'Izuru…' he called, 'I'm comin' in, 'kay?'

He opened the door and went inside. Izuru was sprawled on the sofa. Renji could see him stirring in a feeble sort of way. The curtains were drawn, but they weren't doing much to darken the room. And that meant Renji could see Kira in every detail.

Oh God. Renji suddenly realised that he'd much rather deal with the stories about his mysterious boyfriend. Kira was _never_ gonna live this down.

* * *

Oooh a cliffhanger! Sorry sorry sorry! 

Please r&r. This is coming along pretty well but I still need more ideas, and because I'm so kind, I'd like you guys to help.

What was it Kenpachi Zaraki once said? Something along the lines of: 'I'm just an bleeding, open heart of generousity.' That's me!


	6. A Hangover You Don't Deserve

**A/N:** Look how fast I'm updating! Crazy! But I'm getting sooo into it and the words are just flowing out onto the keyboard… it's like poetry!

* * *

_Crap_, he thought as he banged on Izuru's door, _I'm runnin' out of time. It looks like someone's said something…_

Bang. No answer.

'Izuru!' he yelled, 'you in there?'

Still no answer, but when he pressed his ear to the door, he could definitely hear groaning noises. Sounded like Izuru was just waking up. Poor guy still hadn't learnt that when you reach your limit, you have to _stop drinking_.

'Izuru…' he called, 'I'm comin' in, 'kay?'

He opened the door and went inside. Izuru was sprawled on the sofa. Renji could see him stirring in a feeble sort of way. The curtains were drawn, but they weren't doing much to darken the room. And that meant Renji could see Kira in every detail.

Oh God. Renji suddenly realised that he'd much rather deal with the stories about his mysterious boyfriend. Kira was _never_ gonna live this down.

Because at that moment, his former classmate was face up on the sofa, wearing a pink _something_ that looked like it was designed to carry cannon balls, smudged red lipstick, and some kind of black stuff that had started on his eyes but was now all over his cheeks as well. The whole ensemble was topped off with 'kera lurrrvs itchymaru' written across his forehead. Oh dear.

'Murrpphhgra-aaaa…' was the noise that greeted him, along with a strong smell of vomit.

'Kira?' Renji asked, cautiously.

'Eh?'

'How are you?' it was a pretty stupid question, seeing as the answer was probably: _'I'm nursing a shocking hangover, you red-headed idiot, and if you don't get out and let me sleep it off I will be sick in your shoes next chance I get' _but hopefully Izuru would have the grace to ignore this.

'M'fii, Engi,' came the groan from the sofa.

What was that?_ M'fiengi? _Was that some kind of new kidou? Oh no, wait! That was probably supposed to be '_I'm fine, Renji._'

'No offence Izuru, but you can't even pronounce my name right. You are so _not_ fine.'

The thing that resembled Kira dragged himself into a sitting position, and promptly threw up all down the side of the sofa.

'Arggh, Izuru, whatya doin'?' Renji poured a glass of water from the jug on the desk and handed it to him, 'just drink that and don't try and move about too much.'

'M' ed urz…' Izuru moaned incoherently before gulping down some water.

Think fast, Abarai! That was probably '_my head hurts'_. Or '_my bed's yours'_, which could be interpreted as a confession that he was Renji's former bed partner. But seeing as the guy couldn't even form real sentences, and it was now one in the afternoon, it was more likely that Aizen would surrender and admit he had made a terrible mistake than that they'd slept together.

'Shall I just come back later?' Renji graciously tried not to talk to loud.

'If oo udder mine, anko.' _If you wouldn't mind, thank you_. He was getting the hang off this interpreting gibberish lark.

'You just go back to sleep, 'kay?'

'Yeah…' Izuru managed to say a word that sounded relatively like what it was supposed to.

Renji tiptoed quietly over to the desk and got a large, bucket shaped thing for Kira to be sick in should he need to (it was actually a fish tank, but he just tipped the fish and a bit of the water into one of Kira's coffee cups). He then placed the jug of water on the table and told Izuru sternly that he must call him if he needed anything. Renji might have been facing Eternal Humiliation -with capital letters- but he wasn't going to leave one of his closest friends in such a state.

'Ren-gee?'

That would be him. 'Yes, Kira?'

'Gii thish ack oo Angikoo eez,' he held out what looked like a couple of bits of pink string, 'an shay sorry fra me.'

'Err, yeah of course,' Renji tried to look like he knew what Kira had just asked him, 'count on me.'

Izuru managed a sickly smile and closed his eyes sleepily. He then turned over and went back to sleep almost immediately.

Renji glanced down at the string Kira had given him. What the hell was it? He spent a couple of minute trying to figure out just what the hell he was supposed to do with it. Tie it on a dog? Wrap it round a present? What?

Hey, if you stretched it kind of like _this_, then it almost looked like…

Renji promptly threw the thong across the room and tried, for Kira's sake, not to scream out loud.

The message was suddenly clear. _Give_ _this back to Rangiku please. And say sorry for me._

Kira really had had it worse than him. Poor guy.

* * *

Hahahahaaa pretty short, this one. But I have fulfilled my promise, and I have dressed Kira in Rangiku's clothes!! I know, I'm evil, right?

Please carry on with the reviews, I'm fast becoming addicted!


	7. What Friends Are For

**Warning:** mentions of guy x guy

**Pairing:** lightly Renji x Shuuei, but only in passing. It'll get better though, if you like that sort of thing! Mwahahahaha….

* * *

Now what?

He was stood outside Kira's room, leaning over the balcony. He wasn't leaning far, by the way. Renji might have been under a great deal of stress at the moment, but after seeing Izuru, he felt that it would be a bit of a scam to commit suicide just yet.

Instead he was trying to think what the hell he was going to do. He was no closer to finding out the truth, no closer to finding if anyone had seen them together. So far his day had been completely wasted. He'd have probably been better just sitting in his office and filling out forms. But with the strange mood his captain was in, that sure as hell wouldn't have been much fun.

At the moment, it looked like the only thing he could do was wait until someone came up to him and laughed about it. Then he would have to admit he didn't have a clue as to who it was, and hopefully they'd be able to tell him. And then they'd laugh at him some more.

He was just contemplating this unhappy thought when…

'RENJI!'

Renji almost went face first off the balcony. Luckily, when Shuuei had jumped out at him, he had grabbed his shoulders and therefore saved him from plunging to a gruesome death.

'Shuuei! What the hell're ya trying to do?' Renji clutched at his chest weakly while Shuuei roared with laughter.

'Your face!' he spluttered, 'Priceless!'

'Y've probably woken Kira up again, idiot,' Renji grumbled, 'the guy's practically dead.'

Shuuei stopped laughing and looked worried. He leaned on the balcony next to Renji.

'I came to see him earlier. Is he still wearing Rangiku's bra?'

'Yeah. And he gave me a thong to give back to her as well.'

'He's not doin' so good since Ichimaru left, is he?' Shuuei sighed, 'I thought that a night out might cheer him up, but he just used it as an excuse to get totally plastered. But Momo enjoyed herself, at least that's somethin'…'

He looked at Renji and grinned.

'Funny on the way home, wasn't it?'

Renji looked at him, startled.

'It was? I mean, we went home together?'

'Yeah!'

Renji gaped. Did this mean that Shuuei was…

'But not all the way.'

No, then. _Dammit_.

'Dya not remember?' Shuuei looked shocked, 'awww man, it was hilarious! I dunno what time it was, but everyone was in bed so we threw stuff at Old Man Yama's door n' then ran away!' He looked delighted.

'We _what_?' Renji gasped. That was about as dangerous as leaving your zanpakutou at home and then strolling up to Captain Zaraki and poking him in the eye.

'Yeah, but relax, he don't know it was us. Least I don't think he does…'

Renji sat down quite abruptly on the floor.

'You idiot! If he finds out it was us… then what happened? We didn't-' he paused, then decided to seize the bull by the horns, '-_sleep together_, did we?'

'Oh, _nooo_,' Shuuei crouched down next to him, 'we just made out.'

'What?!' Renji spluttered.

'Yeah,' he grinned at him, then whispered in his ear softly, 'you're a real good kisser.'

'Argh, stop that!' Renji swatted him away, 'Pervert! So you sayin' we made out? You and me? And you're okay with that? I didn't know you were... that way…'

'I'm not,' he shrugged, 'but I was drunk, so it don't matter.'

'And you're _sure_ that we didn't sleep together?'

'Very,' he nodded, 'I didn't even go home with you. I got distracted.'

'By what?' Shuuei was smirking in a very self satisfied way.

'We were just by Squad Two, ya know, _minding our own business_,' he grinned mischievously, 'when we got jumped by Soi Fong.'

'Really?' Renji was quite surprised he didn't remember this.

'Yeah, and she cut up all my robes and then tried to say she thought I was a Hollow attacking you. As though!' he laughed, 'and then I said, why didya think I was a Hollow, and _she_ said, the way you kiss makes it look like you're eating his face, so _I_ said, well then hot stuff, dya wanna help me practise?'

'And then?' he gasped, impressed that Shuuei would have dared say that to Soi Fong, of all people.

'She hit me and chased me around for a bit. In the end I let her catch me though. She was clearly lookin' to get some.'

Renji was quite concerned about how interesting he found this. 'And then what?'

'She told me to piss off,' he shrugged, 'so I came back to you, but you'd left.'

'I had?'

'Yeah. Can ya not remember _anythin'_ Renji?'

'Nope.' He shook his head.

'That's so pathetic. Talk about not bein' able to hold yer drink,' he suddenly frowned, 'why didya think we'd slept together anyways?'

'Cos I woke up n' someone had been there and I dunno who but Zabimaru said it was a guy and…' he paused, then whispered, 'an' I didn't have any clothes on.'

Shuuei stared at him, and then started absolutely wetting himself with laughter.

'That's brilliant!'

'No it's not!' Renji complained, 'How the hell am I supposed to find out who it is? No one remembers a damn thing from last night!'

'Well, I'll admit to kissin' you, but that's all.'

'Sure? You're not just lyin' cos you're embarrassed by it?' he pressed.

'Oh, ok then, it was me.'

'It was?!' Renji was flabbergasted.

'No!' Shuuei laughed, 'Just kiddin' dude.'

'I hate you.' Renji growled.

'But seriously, you'll wanna find out who it is before someone lets the cat outta the bag.'

'Really?' Renji's voice dripped with sarcasm, 'golly gosh, Shuuei, I hadn't thought about that. You idiot, what dya think I've been doin' all day?'

'And still no luck?'

'Nah, no joy. Nothin'. Zip. Been a right waste of time.'

'Well if ya want…' Shuuei paused, 'I could help ya?'

Renji was shocked. Shuuei was offering to help him? Why? He asked as much.

The Squad Nine lieutenant shrugged. 'Why not? I aint got anythin' better to do today,' he paused and looked at the redhead, 'and we're friends right? You'd do the same for me, yeah?'

'Yeah.'

'Well then,' Shuuei clapped his hands and stood up, 'who else you got left to check out? I can help, cos I remember the people who left before us an' the ones who were still there when we were headin' out.'

'Hang on…' he pulled out Momo's list from his robes, 'Momo made me this. People who were there last night.'

'The gal's a lifesaver, in't she?' Shuuei looked at the list, 'you talked to Iba? I dunno where he went but I didn't see him after a while.'

'Iba… you think?'

'For your sake, I bloody hope not!' Shuuei was laughing again.

Renji gritted his teeth. Having Shuuei helping could be really useful, but he wasn't sure he could put up with many more of his smart ass comments.

'Come on,' he growled, and set off towards Squad Seven. Shuuei followed, still speechless with laughter at the thought of Renji with Iba.

* * *

Aaaah… Renji and Shuuei make such a beyootifal couple! I might have to write a separate fic all about them… sighs….

Please r & r, as always! Fanks xx


	8. The Close Shave

**A/N:** bit of self advertising here: I've started writing another fic. It _majorly_ angsty, which means I'm currently switching between '_omg, love is such a bitch, I hate my life!_ ' and the funny story about Renji (at least I hope its funny). Anyways, check it out if you want, but it's a bit weird.

**Warning:** an image of Iba that may give sensitive readers nightmares. It brings back horrible memories of something we once did to my uncle... _shudders_... I didn't sleep for weeks after _that _little episode.

* * *

'Iba!'

'IBA!'

'Iba Iba Ibaaaaaa!!'

'Iiiiii-baaaaaaaaaa!'

'I-to the B- to the A! Iba!'

'Iba's an idiot!'

'Iba's sunglasses suck!'

'Iba's a wannabe gangster, but he'll never be as cool as Renji and Shuuei!'

'Yeah, damn right! Oi, Iba! Open the door!'

Renji and new found ally Shuuei were standing outside Iba's door, trying to get him to open it. They knew he was in there because all the curtains were drawn and that's what Iba did when he was sulking. So far they'd been stood outside yelling for about fifteen minutes. Captain Konamura had appeared twice telling them to keep the noise down, but each time he'd walked off Shuuei had started doing impressions of him behind his back, which made them take his dire 'warnings' a lot less seriously.

'IBAAAAAAAAAA! My flame burns for thee-eeeeee!!! Please, I beg you my beloved, come back to meeeeee-_eeeeeee_!!!!' Shuuei started doing a really crap impression of an opera singer, wailing and prancing about, and generally attracting as much attention as was humanely possible.

'Go away!' came Iba's voice from inside.

'Aha!' Renji raised his arms triumphantly, and Shuuei fell over in mock astonishment, 'so you _are_ in there! We were just about to give up and leave you alone, but I guess now we'll have to keep on annoying you until you open up…'

Renji took a deep breath. 'IB-'

'Ok, ok, come in!' the door opened a fraction, 'but hurry up, dammit!'

'About time, dude,' Shuuei called through the crack, 'yer captain keeps comin' over an' shakin' his tail at us.'

It was dark inside.

'Why is it dark inside, Iba?' Renji asked, as Shuuei squeezed in to the room.

'So people don't know I'm here. I took the day off.'

'Why?' Renji started to ask, but was interrupted by the most horrific noise he'd ever heard. It sounded like a cross between a mad eagle being choked, a witches cackle and a bit of a Yachiru giggle, and it seemed to be coming from Shuuei.

'Shut the hell up, Hisagi!' Renji could hear Iba growling, 'it's not freakin' funny, dammit!'

Renji went inside. The source of the disturbing noise was, indeed coming from Shuuei. He was laughing so much that he'd fallen over, and his eyes were watering as he clutched at his sides.

Iba, who'd been hiding behind the door, quickly slammed it shut behind him. He turned around, and Renji got what was so hilarious.

'You can shut the hell the hell up as well, Abarai!' Iba shouted as Renji doubled up, 'It's not that funny!'

But it was, it really was. Iba's most famous feature, his legendary moustache, had shrunk. The left hand side was now a tiny bit of stubble under his nose, but the right hand one was still completely whole. He looked like a child had tried to shave him.

'Wh- wh- what h-happened?' Renji managed to gasp.

'Yachiru freakin' Kusajishi! That's what happened! That lil brat was waitin' for me to pass out! She said she would get me one day! I'll friggin' kill her!'

'You can try, but just think what Zaraki would do to you if ya somehow managed it.'

Renji thought he was calming down, but another look at Iba's half moustache set him off again.

'And get this! I ran out of shavin' foam, so I have to stay like this until I can get some more!'

That just made Shuuei and Renji laugh harder.

'Yeah well, who're you two to talk? I saw you guys makin' out last night. That's just _wrong_ on so many levels. Yer not supposed to make out with friends, especially if your friends're guys!'

'You saw us kiss?' Renji really did shut up this time.

'Yeah,' Iba looked disgusted, 'and I feel sorry for you, buddy. I wouldn't wanna kiss Shuuei, he looked like he was tryin' to tear off your lips!'

'That's what Soi Fong said.' Renji grinned as Shuuei looked sulky.

'I kiss just fine, ask anyone! Renji might've been drunk, but he was more than satisfied, weren't ya, buddy?'

'Err….'

'Whatever,' Iba shrugged, 'just don't come near me with them lips, you wide mouth tree frog.'

'Half moustache!'

'Tattoo face!'

'Guys!' Renji decided to intervene before one of them said something they'd later regret, 'Shuuei, lets remember why we're here, 'kay?'

'Oh right,' Shuuei straightened up, 'Iba, didya see Renji with anyone last night? A guy? Cos he's slept with someone an' he don't know who.'

'Really?' Iba laughed, 'that's fantastic!'

'That's what I said!' Shuuei smiled, joining in with the giggling.

'It's not fantastic! It's the worst thing that could happen! Well, apart from losing half a moustache, cross-dressing or singing crap karaoke…'

Iba and Shuuei both stopped laughing and said at the same time:

'Who crossed dressed?'

'Who sang karaoke?'

'Kira to the first, Ikkaku to the second,' Renji rolled his eyes. He was starting to lose his patience, 'let's get back to my problems. I'm assuming, Iba, that you have no idea who I went home with?'

'No.'

'_Shiiiiit_.'

'But you could ask captain Zaraki and Yachiru. The brat attacked me right by Sixth Division, so they might've seen you…' Iba pouted as he remembered that Zaraki had done nothing to stop her, 'it's so stupid, I used to be in his division, and he don't even _try_ to stop her smotherin' that wax all over my face!'

'Awww Iba, you let a lil girl wax you. That's cute!'

'Zaraki?' Renji groaned, 'I was at Squad Eleven first thing this morning! I could've asked him then! Now we're gonna have to go all the way over to the other side of the friggin' Seireitei! Dammit!'

'Whadya mean we?' Iba looked shocked, 'I'm goin' nowhere! I'll be the laughin' stock of this whole establishment!'

Renji couldn't help himself. 'You already _are_ the laughing stock of this whole establishment.'

'Go to hell.'

'God this day just couldn't get worse!' Renji ranted, as they headed in the general direction of Squad Eleven's main compound, after they had promised Iba that they would return that evening with shaving foam, 'especially if Zaraki saw me with whoever the hell he was. He'll have a_ right_ go at me!'

'Don't worry Renji,' Shuuei soothed, 'at least you still got all your hair.'

* * *

I think I'm getting near the end of this fic. The question is: how to end it?

I had a really good idea but I don't like it anymore, so at the moment I'm writing lots to stall myself from writing the ending…

Pleeeaaseee help everyone! I need it badly!

Oh, and thanks for the great reviews so far; you guys are all my peaches! x


	9. Protection? What Protection?

**A/N:** this is really long. Much longer than any of the others. But I think it's pretty good.

**Warning:** nothing at all. This story is so far a bit lacking in the Sexual Innuendo Department. I'm saving it for a big finish. Hohoho.

* * *

Yachiru was pulling faces. She loved doing it. She loved the way you could be sad – like _thiiiis_, or crazy – like _thiiiis_, or scary, like _this_!!

It was even better doing it in the mirror. She laughed with delight as she watched her face contort.

Most of them time, Ikkaku didn't mind when Yachiru pulled faces. It kept her out of his way. But today…

Today Yachiru hadn't been able to find a mirror, so she was stood on his shoulder, using the reflection from his head.

Normally, Ikkaku would just shove the brat off his shoulder and tell her that Yumichika had a proper mirror in his pocket/handbag/purse. Today, however, Zaraki had insisted that he stay put until Yachiru was done. And even Ikkaku wasn't about to ignore a direct order from his captain.

'Meeeeeeeerr-rraaa-_aaaaaah_!!!' Yachiru stuck out her tongue and waggled it.

Ikkaku forgot his captain's orders, lost his temper and pushed her off. Yachiru started sulking, which made Zaraki start yelling.

It was at this precise moment that Renji and Shuuei appeared.

'…and next time I give you an order, you damn well better do it! No nancy-assed '_oh, I don't wanna, taichou, don't make me_' crap! Yer got that, Madarame? Now pick Yachiru up n' put her back on yer shoulders!'

'Yes, _captain_.' Ikkaku growled, injecting as much sarcasm as possible into the last two syllables.

'An' watch yer tone as well!'

'Captain Zaraki,' both Renji and Shuuei bowed respectfully, 'I need your help. Ya see, it's about-'

'What?!' Zaraki roared, picking Renji up one handed by his collar, 'didn't ya learn _anythin'_ in my Squad, Abarai? Askin' for help in a fight aint allowed! If yer too weak to fight for yerself then ya deserve to die! That's my philosophy!'

Shuuei shouted '_no, no, Captain, stop!_' and tried to make Zaraki let go as Renji slowly suffocated.

'It's- not… like that…' he gasped, 'nothin'- ta do… with fightin'… taichou-'

'Oh,' Zaraki promptly dropped him, 'that's all right then. In actual fact I'm a bit disappointed. I was just kiddin' ya know, I'd have gladly taken over for ya. Long as they were strong, mind.' He raised a finger warningly.

It was then that Zaraki noticed Shuuei. Shuuei had always admired Zaraki – he was, after all King Thug, as elected by him, Renji, Iba and Ikkaku – but having never been in Squad Eleven, he'd never managed to get over his fear of him. Admittedly, most of the officers in Squad Eleven were still terrified of their demon captain, but he was much less likely to kill _them_. In theory.

Which was why Shuuei was now looking as though he wanted nothing more than to spend the next week hidden inside a broom cupboard.

'Errr… mornin', Captain Zaraki…' Shuuei tried to smile. Renji briefly wondered if, like dogs, Zaraki could smell fear. It didn't seem too unlikely.

'I know you, don't I?' Zaraki's one exposed eye narrowed.

'Erm, I don't think so-'

'Ken-chan!' Yachiru popped up on his shoulder. How the hell did she manage to jump that high?

'Ken-chan look! It's Doodle-face's _booooyyyy-friend_! Hahahaaaaa! Whacha doin' here, Sixty-Nine-ness?'

Zaraki looked blank. For about a second. Then he seemed to remember, and his face darkened.

'You're the guy who was makin' out with Renji last night!' he growled, looking at Shuuei.

Ikkaku staring paying proper attention now.

'You guys_ kissed_? Oh, that's just nasty!' he pulled a face.

Kenpachi grabbed Shuuei in one hand and Renji in the other.

'Do you have _any idea_ how hard it was to explain that to Yachiru? She'd never seen anythin' like it. Yer not supposed to do stuff like that in front of kids!' his voice, which had started off low and menacing, was rapidly rising, 'it's like child abuse! Pornography! Worse than freakin' Ichimaru or somethin'! _All day_ she's been askin' me about it!'

'We're real sorry, sir…'

'S-sorry, Zaraki-taichou…'

'Sorry's not good enough! How am I supposed to make her forget somethin' like that?! I'll kill-'

'Ken-chan, your loud noise is giving me a headache! Shhhhhh!'

Kenpachi mercifully re-sheathed his zanpakutou and just glared at them instead. He grabbed Ikkaku, who had been attempting to make his escape under cover of the noise, by the collar and placed Yachiru back on his head. She immediately began biting him.

'Don't think this is done!' the fearsome captain whispered menacingly, 'I'll just kill you _quietly_ instead!'

Everyone got distracted at this point by Ikkaku screaming, 'Get her off! For the love of God, get her off!' and running around while Yachiru gnawed on his skull.

'If he runs then she'll just bite harder,' Zaraki sighed in a knowing kind of way, before calling; 'stand still and take it like a man, Madarame!'

'Erm, Zaraki-taichou?'

'Eh?'

'Did you see me with anyone else last night?'

'Ya mean apart from _perv boy_ over there?' Zaraki jerked his head in the direction of Perv-Boy, also known as Shuuei.

'Well, I was with Yachiru…'

Renji and Shuuei looked at each other. Both of them badly wanted to say '_well, duh!_' but neither was brave enough.

'…an' we heard Ichigo was in the area so we decided to go lookin' for him,' he grinned manically, 'an' I figured that, cuz he knows you an' all, he might be at Squad Six. So we left the bar n' headed off…'

'We saw a man-lady!' Yachiru bobbed up, dragging Ikkaku along behind her, 'didn't we, Ken-chan? A blonde man-lady with red lipstick!'

Renji and Shuuei exchanged looks. _Izuru_, they both thought.

'And then we saw The Moustache by Squad Six, so I ran and got the wax from Booby's house, and then I put some on The Moustache's moustache and I pulled it off!' she grinned, 'it was furry! Like a mouse!'

_Gross_, Renji thought.

'But Ichi wasn't at Squad Six, was he Ken-chan?' she looked up at Zaraki from her tiny height, 'so we went for a walk. And then we saw you two… at Squad Two!'

She giggled. Saying '_two_' two times was funny! Two, two, two, two...

'And I didn't like what I was seein' either!' Zaraki hissed.

Both Renji and Shuuei hoped that this story wasn't going to include a blow-by-blow account of their kissing session. It would be mortifying to hear it from Yachiru.

'Save…me…' Ikkaku groaned from somewhere in the dust. Everyone ignored him except Yachiru, who tap-danced on his head a bit harder.

'I was about to come over an' put a stop to your little love-fest! It's just not right!' Zaraki shuddered, 'but Captain Bitch-Ninja came over instead, so I didn't bother.'

Renji was confused by that.

'Bitch-Ninja?' he mouthed wordlessly at Shuuei.

'Soi Fong.' he muttered back.

'Ken-chan, what's a love-fest?' Yachiru blinked innocently, but didn't fool anyone with her cutesy-girl act. Renji knew inside that tiny body lay the spawn of the devil.

'A special kind of pie. Now listen,' he turned back to the two guys, 'I don't care what the hell it is you to do to each other, as long as it's behind closed doors, got it?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Yes sir.'

Renji couldn't get over how much Zaraki sounded like a ridiculously strict father.

'Good.' He turned back to Yachiru, who had somehow found a pen and was drawing a face on the back of Ikkaku's head.

'Look! Now Baldy has two faces! Just like the baddy in that book we read Ken-chan!'

'_Voldemort_, Yachiru. His name's Lord Voldemort,' Zaraki looked wistful, 'now there's a guy I'd like to fight…'

'But, Zaraki-taichou, did you see me with anyone else?'

'Nah. Why?'

'Cos Renji slept with some random guy.' Shuuei blurted out.

'What?' Zaraki looked clueless, 'how the hell would he do that? I mean, they've got the same gear downstairs...'

Renji and Shuuei looked at each other, neither of them wanting to explain how two guys did it.

'Well…' Renji began.

'If it was a guy an' a _girl_, I get that. But two guys? I mean, it just aint possible…' Zaraki was scratching his head as he thought, something people often did in comic books, but, to Renji's knowledge, rarely did in real life. Of course, Zaraki was always the exception to the rule.

'Just aint possible…' he mused.

'Zaraki-taichou!' they shouted together.

'Eh?'

'Was Renji with anyone?' Shuuei demanded.

'How the hell would I know?' he shouted back, 'what the boy does is none of my business.'

Renji felt slightly angry at this.

'Whadya mean, _boy_?'

'Ken-chan, what is everyone blabbing for?' Yachiru seemed to have some kind of mental condition which demanded that people pay her attention, 'did you tell them about Byakushi yet?'

'What in God's name is a Byakushi?'

'_Yooooou knoooow_. Captain Moneybags. Byakuya! We're friends you know!' she smiled at Shuuei, 'I always talk to him!'

Captain Kuchiki? Renji froze. Shuuei turned and gaped at him, open-mouthed.

'Oh yeah!' Zaraki snapped his fingers, 'we saw rich boy as well. He asked us where you were, an' I told him that you was with this guy,' he jerked his thumb at Shuuei, who still looked like a goldfish, 'an' he went off to look for ya.'

Oh. My. God.

Not Captain Kuchiki. _Pleeeaaasssee_ no. Renji would rather it was anyone else in the entire Soul Society. Iba, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Zaraki, even freakin' Yachiru. But not his captain.

Was that why he was being so uptight earlier?

Shuuei seized Renji's arm and dragged him off.

'Bye Pencil-brows! Bye… err… I forget your name. But bye anyways!' Yachiru waved, and then carried on forcing Ikkaku to run around on all fours like a horse.

Once outside Squad Eleven, Shuuei dragged Renji into the nearest alleyway and looked at him in horror.

'OhmygodohmygodOHMYGOD!'

'Shut _up_, Hisagi! Keep it down!' Renji looked around to make sure no-one was listening.

'You did it with your captain! Not just anyone's captain either! _Your_ captain! How can I _not_ shut up?! Would you shut up if it was me? No, you wouldn't! You'd go on and on and on and on and on and…'

'Like you're doin' now you mean?'

'Sorry. But oh my God!'

Renji ground his teeth and winced. It couldn't get any worse could it?

'Imagine if you got him pregnant!' Shuuei _still_ wouldn't drop it.

Wait, pregnant? What the hell…

'I wouldn't have got him pregnant! Did you take the same Sex Ed class as Zaraki? Aside from the obvious fact that he's a _guy, _I'm not so stupid that I wouldn't use protect-'

He stopped.

'Protection…' Renji's mind spaced out. He knew something was up. Intuition is never wrong. What was this he was feeling?

Something to do with birth control...

Now, what….?

_Click._

'Arrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!' Renji screamed.

'What? What? What's up?!'

'The- the captain… this morning he…' Renji couldn't believe it. All of a sudden, his joke about the Kuchiki's 'illness' seemed very likely. And very scary.

Renji ripped open his robes.

'What, in the name of Old Man Yamamoto's baggiest and most elasticised Y-fronts, are you doing?' Shuuei was looking at him as though fearful for his sanity, which wasn't too surprising as Renji was now holding open his shikakushou and staring down at his crotch with a terrified expression on his face.

'_Please_ say you're not gettin' hot thinkin' about you an' your captain…' Shuuei stopped when he saw Renji's horrifed expression.

'What?'

Renji swallowed.

'I didn't tell you about the captain's illness, did I?'

* * *

Heeheehee. Most amusing! Of course, who knows if Byakuya's illness is real or not… be funny if it was though!

God I **LOVE** Yachiru. She owns. She owns _everything_!

Thanks, all the reviews are awesome! I luurrrvve you all madly!

_(But not in a sexual way. Obviously. I have never seen any of you.)_


	10. Nuns, Beer and Masterplans

**A/N:** sorry, sorry, sorry for not updating in so long. I went through a phase of updating nearly every day. But I've been away on holiday and you know how things get. I almost _died_ without my laptop but there we go…

**Warning**: there's a teeny bit of guy/guy stuff, except you have no idea who it is. If I'm completely honest, _I_ don't know who it is. Still haven't figured out how to end this damn thing…

* * *

'_I really love you, ya know…'_

'_Yes Renji, I know.'_

'_You are my beeeest friend ever! Ha, dya remember that time when we threw stuff at Yamamoto's door? Hahahaaaa I threw an egg and it smashed! Keeeerr-boom!'_

'_I don't think that was me, Renji. And it's not such a good idea to throw things at the soutaichou's door, you know.'_

'_That's why I love you! Cos you tell me what not to do so I don't do it! I listen to you, ya know?'_

'_I'm glad to hear it.'_

_He felt himself being lowered down onto something soft._

'_Go to sleep Renji, I'll come back to see you in the morning, okay?'_

'_No!' Renji's arms grabbed the source of the voice by the neck, 'don't go!'_

'_I really can't stay, I-' the voice was silenced by a pair of lips pressing against his own._

Renji opened his eyes. He was definitely remembering something from last night. If only he could remember who that voice belonged to. To his drunken self it had sounded weirdly distorted, not like anyone he knew.

_'I love you…'_

_'You shouldn't say that, Renji. We both know it's not true.' _

_There were lips on his. Someone's hand was running through his hair. He pulled whoever it was down towards him, and smiled as the guy didn't seem to mind._

It had started raining. Renji couldn't be bothered with going inside and staying dry. What did it matter anyway?

Shuuei had left. He said that he didn't want to hang out with Renji anymore ('_Dude, you might be infectious!_') but Renji noticed that he'd left as soon as it started raining, and only after Renji had refused to go inside. Damn Shuuei. When it came to his hair he was almost as vain as Yumichika.

He knew it was totally over the top to feel this miserable but he really couldn't help it. If he had, as was now seeming very likely, slept with his captain, he might as well go and hand in his resignation right now. If it wasn't his captain, then he was right back to square one.

'Renji?'

Renji turned to see Shuuei standing at the end of the balcony, soaking wet.

'Hey,' he tried to smile, 'thought you didn't wanna hang out with me case I gave you somethin' nasty?'

'Yeah well,' Shuuei leaned on the railings next to him, just as he'd done earlier in the day, 'I figured the only way you can give me any of your little beasties is if we sleep together, and fat chance of that happenin' buddy!'

He grinned.

Renji couldn't help but smile back. Shuuei was such a jerk.

'Ya know, I was only messin' about Kuchiki having an STD,' Renji said, more to reassure himself than Shuuei, 'I mean, where would he have got one from, right? S'not like he sleeps around or anythin'.'

'I know.'

'But that doesn't change the fact that _I_ probably slept with him…' Renji trailed off, then asked in what he thought was an off-hand way, 'Squad Nine still needs a new captain, right?'

'Yeah, but if you think I'm takin' orders from you, you can forget it! Besides, you should just face yer problems like a man instead of runnin' away from 'em.'

The two stood in silence for a while. Renji would sooner chew through his own leg than admit it, but he was really glad Shuuei was there. Having a friend to joke with made the whole situation seem a lot less bleak somehow.

'Can we go inside now?' Shuuei asked after a while, 'I know you're trying to go for the whole '_oh God, my life's so terrible, I'm so emo in the rain' _look, but my hair's ruined.'

'So staying outside isn't going to make any difference is it?' Renji shot back, but did turn around and follow Shuuei inside.

Once inside his own apartment, Renji pondered what to do next. If he and Shuuei split up, then they might be able to cover more ground. But he couldn't really trust Shuuei not to get distracted. He didn't really have his dignity on the line, unlike the redhead.

After a while, Renji guessed that Shuuei wanted a beer, from the way he kept staring at the fridge and making loud remarks about '_dying of thirst… aren't you?_'. He sighed and made his way to the tiny kitchen.

'We need a plan.' Shuuei called from the other room.

'A plan?'

'Yeah. You know, stoppin' all the rumours. I figure, you aint gonna find out who your bedmate is, so you need to try and stop the rumours instead.'

'Makes sense,' Renji agreed, coming back into the room and handed Shuuei a beer from his fridge, 'ya know, Zabimaru knows who it is an' he won't tell me.'

'_Woooowww_, you've clearly got a great bond with yer zanpakutou. I wish I had that. Hey, don't throw that at me! Idiot!'

'Shut up.' Renji growled, and then realised he was going to have to get himself another beer, seeing as he'd just thrown his at Shuuei.

'How bout this: you _bribe_ everyone who was at the bar last night? Ya know, cut it off from the source?'

'That's fine, except it'll cost me a friggin' bomb. You saw how many people were there last night. Next.'

'Hmmm…' Shuuei frowned. Renji was already sensing it was a bad idea to put Shuuei in charge of The Plan. He was, after all, the man who thought he could get out of doing his paperwork by drawing spots on his face and saying he'd contracted smallpox, despite the fact that it was physically impossible for shinigami to get smallpox.

'Oh, I know! You could cause a really big thing to happen, like, I dunno, set fire to something. That way, everyone would have something else to talk about instead!'

Renji ground his teeth in frustration.

'And what happens if I got caught? Then I'd be a whore _and_ an arsonist. Come on, I thought you were good at thinking up crazy solutions!'

Shuuei looked annoyed.

'I'm the Lord and Master of Crazy Solutions. _You_ just have a crappy problem, is all. Do you have any ideas? Thought not!'

Shuuei sat in silence for a minute or two. In the meantime, Renji got a map and started working out how far it was to the nearest nunnery, which was where he was planning on spending the rest of his days if Shuuei couldn't think of a solution.

'Okay, how bout this!' Shuuei's face lit up, 'you run away and become a nun!'

Renji glanced at the map, where he'd drawn circles round all the nunneries. That was weird…

'I don't wanna be a nun. They don't do anything fun. They can't even drink!'

'Yeah, that would suck…' Shuuei scratched his chin, 'Ok, how bout…'

There was a knock at the door.

'Come in!' Renji yelled over his shoulder.

The door opened and Rikichi poked his head into the room.

'Lieutenant Abarai, sir, Lieutenant Hisagi.' the boy bowed his head respectfully.

Renji and Shuuei both sighed.

'Ya can call us Renji and Shuuei, kiddo. We don't mind, ya know.'

'Oh…' he looked apprehensive, 'well… ok then, erm, Renji. I have a message for you.'

'Who from?' Renji asked absent mindedly, still thinking about all the stuff nuns couldn't do. Drink, smoke, have sex... still, if he couldn't sleep with anyone he wouldn't be in this mess right now.

'Kuchiki-taichou.'

'Oh?' Renji sat up nervously, and Shuuei looked up sharply from the copy of Playboy he'd found on Renji's coffe table.

'Yes, he wants to see you in his office, and…' Rikichi looked out into the corridor to check no-one was eavesdropping, then whispered, '_and he doesn't look very happy_.'

Rikichi almost leapt through the window as Renji and Shuuei jumped to their feet in blind panic.

'Oh my God, help me!' Renji wailed, grabbing Shuuei by the shoulders.

'Calm down, calm down!' Shuuei yelled hysterically, 'just be calm! Don't panic, don't panic! Be calm, dammit!'

'Is everything all right?' Rikichi asked tentatively, although given the fact the two lieutenants were clutching each other in terror it should have been obvious.

'What do I do?' Renji whimpered, 'he's going to ask me about it, isn't he? Oh _nooooo…_'

'Come on, be strong!' Shuuei grasped his shoulders and looked at him sternly, 'we'll come up with an Emergency Plan.'

'Yeah, yeah, ok.' Renji began pacing.

'Rikichi,' Shuuei took charge of the situation, 'we need you to go to Captain Kuchiki and tell him that Renji's on his way. Try and stall him. Tell him Renji's in the bathroom, finishing paperwork, anything. Just give us a bit of time, kay?'

'O-kaaay…' Rikichi looked curious as to what was going on, but didn't ask. Renji looked at him gratefully.

'Do this for me kid, and I'll personally recommend you for the third seat post.'

Rikichi grinned in delight and dashed out of the room. Shuuei looked after him fondly.

'Sweet kid.'

'Yeah. But back to my problems, oh Lord and Master…'

'Right, this is The Plan: Part A. You go to Kuchiki's office, and act totally normal. Just sit down and start doin' the paperwork. That'll confuse him and throw him off balance.'

'Do the paperwork, got it.' Renji nodded madly.

'When he talks to you, look him right in the eyes, even if you gotta lie. Then he'll think you're tellin' the truth about stuff.'

'Yeah, but what if he keeps starin' at me as well? Then he might think that I'm staring at him in _that way…_'

'Oh…' Shuuei paused, 'Ok, ok, I got it. If he looks at you, _don't_ look at him, look away and sorta frown-'

'Like this?' Renji creased his eyebrows.

'Yeah, yeah that's good!' Shuuei nodded, 'and kinda sigh… then he'll know you find bein' there tiresome, which'll imply you don't know why he wants to see you and you have better things to do.'

'Ok…' Renji fidgeted nervously, 'what dya think he'll do to me?'

Shuuei glanced down at Renji's pants.

'Well…'

'Oh God, you don't think-'

'He might've enjoyed himself,' Shuuei shrugged, 'and maybe he's hopin' you did too…'

'Holy crap,' Renji muttered, 'Right, wish me luck.'

'Good luck, buddy.' Shuuei suddenly grabbed and pulled him into a hug.

There was a moment of silence, which was broken by Renji saying; 'Errr, I was actually going for a handshake…'

'Is that why your hand is pressed against my crotch?'

'Yeah…'

Shuuei let go pretty quickly, then walked him to the Squad Six captain's office.

'Just remember the plan an' you'll be fine. And remember, if you don't wanna sleep with him, just say _no_. And if he does try it, then scream real loud and I'll come in an' save you.'

'Kay.'

Renji took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

* * *

Evil cliffhanger! Mwahahahaaa

Please help me! If your leaving a review then PLEASE say who you want Renji to end up with. I totally don't know...

I promise that if you do then there will be cookies, cake, champagne, cows, anything else beginning with 'c' that you can think of... just help me!!! XD

Please please please... I'll do anything! Many thanks... .


	11. In Which 'The Plan' Is Put Into Action

**A/N:** this is going to be one of the last chapters. I've decided on the pairing (at last, I hear you cry!) and by the end I think it's obvious who it is (unless I change my mind again). Sorry if you don't like the pairing, but personally I think it's pretty awesome.

* * *

'Just remember the plan an' you'll be fine. And remember, if you don't wanna sleep with him, just say _no_. And if he does try it, then scream real loud and I'll come in an' save you.'

'Kay.'

Renji took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

'Come in.'

Renji gave one last look at Shuuei, who nodded encouragingly. Then he opened the door and went inside.

The office was, surprise surprise, immaculate. In his absence, it looked like Kuchiki had done all of his lieutenant's paper work as well as his own.

Workaholic.

Byakuya was stood with his back to Renji, staring out of the window. This was handy as it meant Renji had a few seconds to do some breathing exercises and attempt to look calm.

_He can't force you to do anything_, Renji thought to himself. _It's illegal, and he's not going to break the law. He's a Kuchiki, remember?_

Byakuya turned slowly and stared at him with those deep blue eyes. Renji noticed, possibly for the first time, just how good looking his captain was.

_Shuuei's just outside. He said he'll save me. _

_But Kuchiki's a captain, isn't he? Me and Shuuei combined wouldn't be able to beat him._

'Renji?'

_In terms of actually fighting I bet I could take him. No swords, just fists. I bet he's never punched anything in his life._

_I cant hit him! He's my captain!_

_If he tries to rape me then I'll hit him as hard as I want! I'm not his bitch!_

'Renji?'

_Technically, if he gives me an order I don't have a choice…_

_Shut up! I'm scaring me, dammit!_

'Renji!'

'Eh?' Renji snapped out of the mental argument he was having with himself.

Kuchiki was staring at him as though he was crazy.

_Ahhh, but I _was_ just having a conversation with my own mind. He has every right to think I'm crazy…_

'Renji, I think that you and I need to talk.' Kuchiki sat down at his desk. Rikichi was right. He looked _really_ pissed.

'Oh…' Renji tried to sound casual, 'what about?'

Byakuya looked at him.

'I would have thought you knew.'

'Errr…'

Oh god, he was staring at him. Quick, remember The Plan!

Renji looked away, trying to look like he was frowning, but not in an insolent way. It was a lot harder than it sounds. He cursed himself for not practising beforehand.

'Would you please lock the door, Renji? I would prefer if this conversation were not interrupted. Or overheard.'

_Crap, crap, crap! No, I won't lock the door. Then Shuuei won't be able to get in if I need him to rescue me from your clutches, you sick attractive pervert!_

'Yes sir.' Renji remembered The Plan and sighed.

'I would appreciate it if you didn't _sigh_ next time I give you an order Renji. Even if you do find it tiresome, try and contain yourself.'

'Sorry sir.' Damn. So far The Plan was failing miserably. Renji got up and locked the door.

The room was silent for several minutes. The only noise was the ticking of the clock. God it was loud. Renji made a mental note to throw the stupid thing out and buy a nice quiet digital clock first chance he got. Kuchiki sat tapping his pen on the desk and glaring at the wall as though it had been rude to him.

'Is, erm, somethin' wrong, taichou?' Renji ventured after a few minutes, when the lack of noise reached _unbearable _on the Awkward Silence scale.

'Yes, there certainly is.' Byakuya snapped, still glaring at the offending spot on the office wall.

Renji was now more than a bit scared. The captain's usually impassive face was contorted with barely suppressed rage. And just now had to be the first time in the history of Soul Society that the Kuchiki heir's voice had sounded anything other than monotonous. What the hell was wrong?

It hit Renji then that maybe, in his drunken state, he might have done something to the captain…

Oh my God! That would explain everything! No wonder he was so angry! Renji was pretty sure that raping your captain, even under the influence of alcohol, was a foolproof way to guarantee permanent exile from Soul Society.

'It's the Kurosaki boy.'

Renji, who had been trying to remember where all the nunneries were as it now looked like he wouldn't have a choice about living in one, looked up.

'Ichigo?' he wasn't sure he'd heard right, 'what about him?'

'I would like to know what is going on between my sister and him,' Byakuya stood up, scowling, 'I asked him to come here last night to resolve the issue in person and he did not.'

He looked at Renji, who rather unfortunately had his mouth wide open in shock and didn't mange to close it quickly enough, momentarily giving him the appearance of a wide mouthed tree-frog.

'You- you want to know about Rukia and Ichigo?' Renji stammered.

'Isn't that what I've just been explaining in some detail?' the nobleman asked frostily, 'yes Renji, as I've just specified, I would like you to tell me. I know full well that you are friends with both of them.'

Son of a… after all the worrying and panicking and the hastily constructed Plan, Kuchiki wanted to talk bout his sister's love life?

Renji was so relieved that for the second time today he burst out laughing, right in his captain's face.

'I'm glad you find this amusing Renji.' Byakuya practically snarled at him.

'I'm sorry taichou…' Renji giggled, not even caring about the danger he was putting himself in by doing so, 'it's just… I thought that you were gonna say somethin' about… well, me and you.'

He cringed slightly.

Kuchiki frowned.

'Why on earth would I want to talk about us Renji? Aside from the fact we are captain and lieutenant, we have little in common.'

He added something under his breath, which to Renji sounded like; _'mercifully'._

'I know, I just…' he paused, wondering if it would seem inappropriate to talk about his problem with the captain, 'never mind. It doesn't matter.'

Byakuya raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment. He sighed and leaned back in his chair, rubbing his temples.

'What _is_ going on between those two?' he asked, more to himself than Renji.

'Nothin' captain. At least, they haven't told me if there is, but I would've noticed, I'm sure.'

'But all she talks about is that damn strawberry!' Byakuya burst out.

Renji grinned in delight. He'd _never_ imagined the captain hated Ichigo so much.

'_Strawberry…_' Renji sniggered.

Byakuya smiled slightly. Wow, that made _two_ facial expressions. Two _different_ facial expressions! And in just one day! Was the captain taking part in some kind of bet?

'Perhaps I was a little rude in calling him that…'

'No, no captain, it was funny!' Renji laughed ecstatically.

Byakuya sighed and turned away.

'I only just got her back,' he whispered to the wall, 'I don't want to lose her again.'

Renji was amazed. He was also really touched. Who knew that Kuchiki cared for Rukia so much?

'There's nothin' goin' on captain,' he reassured his superior, 'I'm sure of it.'

'Really?' Byakuya looked at Renji almost... pleadingly.

'Really.' Renji stated confidently.

Byakuya's faced seemed to light up. For about a second. Then it returned to its usual iciness.

'Very well,' he stood up, cold expression back in place, 'you may have noticed, Renji, that I did your paperwork for you.'

'Er, yeah. Thanks for that.'

'I am not doing it again, understand?'

'Yes sir.'

'Good. You can go.'

It was over. The whole nightmarish experience, which actually hadn't been so bad, was done. And Renji was still alive. And he hadn't been molested. Or exiled. Not a bad captain-lieutenant meeting, all in all.

'Oh, Renji?'

Renji turned, hand still on the door handle.

'Taichou?'

'I'm assuming you thought I wanted to talk to you about your, shall we say,_ incident_ last night, correct?'

Renji was completely dumbfounded. Nothing could have prepared him for that, not in a million years.

'From your expression, I would assume I'm right.' Byakuya smirked slightly.

'How… h-how did you…' Renji stuttered, still in a state of blank shock.

Byakuya looked supremely disdainful.

'Captains talk too, Renji,' he declared, 'I heard a very interesting tale from the captains of Squads Eight and Thirteen, regarding you.'

Kyouraku and Ukitake. Why the hell hadn't he asked them? They would have told him in an instant. It wasn't Ukitake's style to leave him hanging, and Kyouraku's alcohol tolerance was insanely high. They were there. They would have seen.

So the two captains knew… and Momo had even put them on her list! Why the _hell_ hadn't he gone to see one of them?

'Sorry captain!' he yelled and sprinted towards the door, 'but I gotta go!'

'Renji, you could just ask _me_.'

He froze, mid run.

'You… know?'

'Of course,' Byakuya answered, 'as, I'm afraid, do most people in Seireitei. You would think they had better things to talk about…'

He sighed at the childishness and idiocity of the general population.

'So…' Renji looked at the captain in painful anticipation, 'who is it?'

This was it. _The_ moment. He was finally, _finally_ going to find out who he'd slept with.

_And I did it with out anyone's help!_ He laughed to Zabimaru.

_Not entirely true,_ the voice in his head countered_, you had help from Shuuei, remember?_

_Oh yeah. Well, okay, but apart from him… I did it all on my own._

_Except for Momo and Iba and Ikkaku and Captain Zaraki and Rangiku and Captain Kuchiki. Oh, and Yumichika and Toushiro and Yachiru._

_Well, fine, and all of them._

'Who is it?' Captain Kuchiki raised an eyebrow, 'if you really want to know, I suggest you ask your 'friend' outside the door.'

He made little quotation marks with his fingers around the word _friend_.

'What friend?' Renji asked blankly, then;

'_Shuuei?_'

* * *

Dum dum duuuuuumm! (that was a dramatic ending drum roll, by the way)

Please review, and feel free to complain if you hate where I'm taking this.

xxxxx


	12. Renji, Your ExBedmate Is

**A/N:** this chapter is long. I officialy hit the 2000 word mark, which is the longest I've ever written. Heehee.

**Warnings:** there's a bit of swearing, but that's it. But... we finally know who it is! So any crazy fangirls (myself included in that) can expect some serious renji x ? love in the next couple of chapters! At last!

One last thing... I have _got_ to make this public: last night I had a dream that Captain Tousen called me on the phone! All of a sudden I picked up my phone and it was Tousen! He sounded more like Hermes from Futurama, but you know how you seem to just know things in dreams? Then Kisuke Urahara was there, but I knew that he was actually Aizen. Then I left the room to try and talk to Tousen in peace and my sister just kept following me and shouting so I couldn't hear him! So I hid in her room and then she ran in making noise. It was just so weird… but fairly normal in terms of what I usually dream about.

Anyways….

* * *

Renji slammed the door as he raced out of the office. He could almost see the disapproving frown etched on Kuchiki-taichou's face, but at the moment he really didn't care about that.

_Shuuei._

Shuuei knew who it was. He knew, and all freakin' day he'd been running round with him and he hadn't said anything. Instead he'd said; 'I'll help you – we're friends, right?'

Yeah, he was a great friend.

And where the hell was he now? Not outside the office, ready to barge in and save him should Kuchiki attempt to sexually assault him, that's for sure.

Renji stopped, out of breath, and kicked the nearest wall in frustration.

'Ouch! Shit!'

Perfect! Now he had a liar for a friend _and_ a possible broken toe.

Renji hobbled off down the corridor, swearing. Shuuei must have been listening in on the conversation through the door and made a quick escape when Byakuya snitched on him…

_Damn him!_ Renji thought, _he's supposed to be my friend! And all day he knows and he's letting me run around like an idiot. _

_Just like I'm doing now!_

Renji had to stop and sit down. His foot was _really_ painful.

He massaged his toes, cursing fluently under his breath.

Why would Shuuei do that? He just couldn't get his head around it. Not that he'd ever admit it, but even though he'd known Rukia longest, he'd always considered Shuuei to be his best friend.

Shuuei was the one who dragged him home from bars and held his hair back as he threw up. The two of them had spent more nights than they had fingers combined lying wasted in ditches. A few nights after Tousen had left, Renji had sat up the whole night watching over Shuuei and checking his breathing every ten minutes, after he'd gotten so drunk that even Ikkaku was worried he wouldn't wake up again. Because that's what friends did. They got drunk together and threw eggs at the soutaichou's door together and the next day they helped each other out of whatever mess they'd got into the night before.

But they did _not_ lie to each other. Especially about something like this.

Renji decided, as he sat there spouting expletives in an almost fluent stream, that he was going to _kill _Shuuei. And it would serve him right.

'Hey buddy!'

Speak of the devil…

'Whatcha swearin' about?' Shuuei grinned and sat down next to him.

_Don't sit next to me bastard! If you do then I'll push you off the fuckin' seat!_

'Kicked a wall.' Renji answered shortly, not looking at him. Even so, he could tell Shuuei's grin was widening.

'_Kicked a wall_. Slick…' Shuuei sniggered, 'here, I got you this-'

He tossed Renji an unopened can of beer.

'Figured you'd need it. Ya know, after Kuchiki had _had his way with you_. Ha!'

Renji honestly couldn't believe it. Shuuei was sat here, acting like nothing was wrong? That son of a…

'So…' Shuuei cracked open his own can, 'what did he want with ya?'

'To talk to me. About last night.'

'Really?' Shuuei smirked, 'enjoyed himself, did he? Asked for round two?'

'Oh no, turns out it wasn't Kuchiki that I slept with. He just wanted to ask me about Ichigo and Rukia.'

'Ahhhh, the old 'concerned big brother' act. He wants you Renji, he's just luring you into a false sense of security, is what I think.'

He took another swig of beer.

_I should take yer lying head off with Zabimaru, you fucker!_ Renji shouted inwardly. On the outside though, he was giving a grade-A performance of being calm.

'It was actually quite interesting. He told me who it was I slept with.' Renji watched Shuuei for his reaction.

'He did?' Shuuei seemed to stiffen very slightly, 'Oh. Who?'

'Well that's the thing,' Renji looked pointedly at his friend, 'he didn't actually have to tell me. Cos he said you knew.'

Everything went very quiet. Renji almost wished that the annoyingly loud clock was here to break the silence. Almost. But right now all he cared about was the blood pounding in his ears and the fact that Shuuei was a liar.

The silence continued for several minutes. Several incredibly tense minutes, during which Renji plotted all the ways he was going to get his revenge. He was going to tie Shuuei up and give him to Mayuri Kurosutchi to experiment on. No, he was going to give him to Zaraki as a permanent live-in babysitter for Yachiru. No, he was going to tell Hitsugaya that Shuuei had _raped_ Momo, and then he'd have the little ice demon captain after his blood. No! He was going to-

'Renji?'

It was with a supreme effort that Renji kept his voice at a normal level.

'Yes, Hisagi-senpai?'

Shuuei looked pained.

'Don't call me that! You aint called me that in years! I'm not yer teacher, I'm your friend, remember?'

_**WHAT?!?!**_

Renji snapped.

'How the hell can you say that, you son of a bitch!' he yelled, jumping up, 'All friggin' day I've been runnin' around, and you've known all the time! If you were my friend then why didn't ya say somethin', you bastard?!'

Shuuei looked flabbergasted. Then his face darkened and he got to his feet too.

'What the hell makes you think I knew?! Who said that to you, yer precious _Kuchiki-taichou_? If I knew I would've told ya!'

'Stop lyin' to me!!!' Renji roared, inadvertently sending a blast of reiatsu down the corridor and causing several Squad Six subordinates to scamper away in panic.

Shuuei looked startled at Renji's outburst.

'I'm not lying…' he said, but his defiant expression didn't _quite_ match his eyes.

'Yes you are,' Renji calmed down. All he felt now was disappointment and hurt, 'you're doin' it right now.'

Oh God. He thought he was going to cry. Argh, _please_ don't let Ikkaku or Zaraki show up now, Renji prayed as his eyes started to sting.

'I thought you were my friend…' he managed after a while.

'I am,' Shuuei whispered.

'You're a pretty good actor,' Renji ignored him, 'all day, I thought you were being serious about not knowin' who it was. Like earlier, when I thought it was Kuchiki? You seriously made me believe you didn't know. I'm impressed.'

Shuuei just stared at the floor. Renji had had enough. If he didn't want to defend himself then that was fine. He didn't want to listen to his excuses anyway.

Outside the sun was just about to set. The sky was slowly turning a deep bloody red.

_It was more than twelve hours ago that I woke up and found that I'd slept with some unknown guy,_ Renji thought.

'I'm done. I'll just go find out from my captain. He's prepared to tell me. He said to me, why don't you go ask your friend?' he imitated Byakuya and made air quotes around the word _friend_, 'And I did. But you won't tell me…'

Shuuei looked up from the chair he had sat back down in, an unreadable expression on his face.

'Err, Renji?' he asked tentatively, clearly fearing another explosion from the redhead.

'Yes, liar?' Renji practically spat back at him.

Shuuei winced at the venom in his voice.

'Is that what Kuchiki-taichou did? Ya know-' he made gestures in the air with his fingers, '_friend?_'

'Yeah. So?'

Shuuei looked at the ground and his cheeks were tinted faintly pink.

'I… erm, I think…' he swallowed, 'I think when he said friend, he didn't meant it as in, I'm lying to you and therefore not your friend.'

'Really?' Renji raised an eyebrow, 'well then what _did_ he mean, Shuuei?'

Shuuei cringed. His eyes were on the floor and he still meet Renji's eyes.

_I don't care if he's feeling uncomfortable. It serves him right. How does he think I've been feeling all day? _

_It hasn't been the worst day though, has it?_

_Zabimaru? What the hell is that supposed to mean? It's been one of the crappiest days of my life! All I've done is run all over the place in a blind panic-_

_But think about it, Renji. Think about everything you have done today._

Renji sighed, but seeing as Shuuei was still fidgeting with his fingers and he had nothing better to do, he thought about the day's events.

_Hmmm… well, I nearly got strangled by Zaraki and raped by Kuchiki. I've had better days, all in all._

_Perhaps…_ was the cryptic response he got from his zanpakutou, _but besides that. You got out of doing your paperwork for the day, did you not?_

_Well yeah, but I'd still rather have-_

_Renji, I'm losing my patience. Think about the good things that have happened to you today, instead of focusing on the negative._

_Che. What are ya, a damn counsellor?_

_Renji!_

_Fine…_

Images floated into his head. Him and Rangiku teaming up to indulge in a spot of mental torture with Hitsugaya. Ikkau singing karaoke. Iba with only half a moustache (here Renji almost snorted out loud. That had been _hilarious_). Kira wearing Matsumoto's bra. Momo's happy face when she told him about all the fun she'd had the previous night. The shocking realisation that captain Kuchiki was, in fact, not made out of ice.

And what was slightly weird, especially given the current circumstances, was the that nearly all of these mental images came accompanied with Shuuei.

When he'd first glimpsed Iba's disastrous Yachiru-inflicted wax, it had been Shuuei who was on the floor laughing with him.

When Zaraki had held him by the neck with one hand, it had been Shuuei he'd lifted up in the other.

When he was scared that his captain was going to sexually molest him in the office, it had been Shuuei standing right outside ready to save him, despite the fact he was no match for Kuchiki.

But that didn't make up for the fact that all the time Shuuei knew who the guy was!!!

_I may die of exasperation._

_Shut up! Are you tryin' to make me see that Shuuei is, despite everything, a good friend? God dammit. Kuchiki was right._

_Good grief. Renji, if Shuuei doesn't tell you then I will do it myself. I can't believe I have such an idiot for a master…_

_Who're you callin' an-_

_Shut up and listen to him. I believe he wants to tell you something._

Back outside the argument in Renji's own mind…

'Renji,' Shuuei began nervously. He looked like he was going to be sick, and he was blushing so much that his head resembled a tomato.

'Er, when your captain said _friend_ like that, I think he meant it in a kinda… well…'

What on earth was wrong with him? He blushed, if possible, even deeper, and blurted out very fast:

'In a; is he _just_ a friend, sorta way.'

He winced.

What?

Not for the first time that day, Renji blanked. What the hell was that supposed to mean?

'What the hell're you talking about? What, you mean in the way that implies you an' me are more than just friends… well, anyone who knows us knows that me an' you are just friends. Always have been.'

'Actually, we haven't,' Shuuei looked him right in the eyes, 'come on, idiot. What dya think I'm tryin' to say? Yer captain says that were more than friends because… well, because of what he saw last night.'

Still nothing from Renji.

'Last night?'

'Between me and you, dumbass.' Shuuei looked at him meaningfully.

Suddenly, something clicked. Renji's eyes widened as he _finally _got what Shuuei was trying to tell him.

'Ohhhh…'

_About bloody time,_ Zabimaru's voice groaned.

* * *

Hooray!!! it's Shuuei!!!

i'm pleased, to say the least. i love these two... especially when they're together XD

anyone who's wondering how exactly its Shuuei - all will be explained, i'm sure.

also, apologies to anyone who's read this far and doesnt like renji x shuuei-ness. sorry for leading you on so long, but as long as i'm happy!

xxx please r&r, but if you dont like the pairing then try not to be _too_ harsh. just comment on my brillant prose instead! XP


	13. Bribery and Surprises

Wahay! I have a little surprise planned in this chapter... all will be revealed. (but it's a good one, promise!)

Just so you know, someone left me a review earlier with a really good idea, and last night I came up with a great way to put it into the story. I have to admit, I'm such a genius!

* * *

'Sh-Shuuei?' Renji gasped, 'how… how can you…?' 

Shuuei looked at the floor uncomfortably.

'I'm sorry,' he muttered.

'Why didn't you tell me?' Renji demanded, still in a state of brain consuming shock.

'Because… well, I didn't think you'd wanna know…' Shuuei mumbled, not meeting his eyes.

This comment was so unbelievably _stupid_ that it took a great deal of self-control on Renji's part not to smack his friend.

'You thought I wouldn't want to know?' he repeated, 'so you thought that even though I've been panicking all day and running all over the damn Seireitei I didn't actually want to know who it was? Did you take stupid pills this morning?'

'Well if I did they would've been yours, seeing as I was in _your_ room!' Shuuei shot back.

Renji glowered at him.

'It's still too soon to joke about it. I haven't let you off the hook yet.'

'Err, sorry. My bad.'

Renji sat down on the nearest thing he could find. Unfortunately, that was the floor.

'Whatcha doin' just collapsin' on the floor like that?' Shuuei asked, but sat down next to him anyway, 'is it such a terrible thought it's makin' you weak at the knees?'

'Sorry,' Renji said, and then wondered why _he'd_ apologised, 'so… you wanna tell me what happened? I thought you said I'd gone when you came back from chasing Soi Fong?'

'You had,' Shuuei stretched out his legs and leaned against the wall, 'that part was all true. And we _did_ throw eggs and shit at Old Man Yama's door. You even threw Zabimaru, which is why I reckon he wouldn't tell you who it was this mornin'…'

_Is that true?_ He asked Zabimaru mentally.

_Yes… I hope that teaches you to treat me with respect. I'm not a common kitchen knife, Renji._

_Why you-_

'So I came back from Soi Fong and you weren't there,' Shuuei continued, 'I was gonna just go back home and go to bed, but I kind of got lost…'

'And what? You just found yer way to my room?' Renji snarled. He was still pissed.

'No!' Shuuei protested, 'I like, sorta _meandered_ for a bit. But then it started to get real cold and I wasn't so drunk anymore. And then I got…'

He paused and looked around to check no one was listening.

'I got scared by this really freaky noise.'

'You got _scared_?'

'Yeah!' Shuuei went on defensively, 'it was someone bein' tortured, I reckon! Someone was doin' this really twisted, manic laugh, and then someone else was screamin'… and I mean really screamin'. It was terrifyin'! And it was comin' from Squad Six.'

'Someone was bein' tortured at Squad Six?' Renji repeated, not sure if he'd heard right.

'Yeah, and cos you'd disappeared to God knows where I thought it might be you. I mean, you _do_ scream like a girl.'

'I do not!' Renji shouted indignantly.

'When you're drunk you do. But anyways,' Shuuei continued, ignoring him, 'I came runnin' back to check it wasn't you. Cos I'm a good friend like that,' he added, looking at Renji out of the corner of his eye.

'Yeah, whatever…' Renji had a sudden thought, 'hey, didn't Iba say Yachiru waxed him by Squad Six?'

Shuuei's eyes widened.

'Hey, yeah! Oh my God, Iba screams like a _girl_! Who'd have thought that under all his wannabe hard-man act lay an innocent little girl!'

He went into peals of hysterically laughter. Even Renji sniggered a bit.

'So…' Shuuei went on, when he'd wiped his eyes and was able to speak again, 'I couldn't see you about, and I was _not_ goin' to run off down some dark alleyway, even for you. Not when there was a hyperactive manic with wax on the loose.'

'You didn't _know_ there was a hyperactive maniac with wax on the loose.' Renji pointed out.

'Aaaah, but there _was_,' Shuuei said, as though stating the obvious, 'same difference really. So... I went to your place. And you were in bed.'

'Really?' Renji asked, 'how the hell did I get there?'

'I dunno. Someone must have taken you. But it wasn't me.'

Renji pondered these new developments. Someone who wasn't Shuuei had taken him home? It was certainly interesting… but not as interesting as Shuuei's revised version of What Happened Last Night.

'Right. So, erm, you… you came into my bedroom?' Renji asked, feeling slightly awkward as he did so.

'Yes.'

There was a long and (to Renji anyway) agonising pause. He didn't want to have to actually _ask_ Shuuei what happened next, and was hoping he'd get the hint and continue. Unfortunately, taking hints had never been one of Shuuei's skills.

'So then what happened?' he demanded, when he could bear it no longer.

'Well…' Shuuei fidgeted, 'I went over to you. Checked you were still breathing. An' then you said…'

'I said what?'

Shuuei looked away.

'_Ma u rove me_,' he mumbled.

'What the hell does that mean?' Renji asked, bewildered, 'it sounds like when Izuru was trying to speak earlier.'

'I said _you_ said,' Shuuei cringed, then leaned forward and whispered, 'that you loved me.'

He straightened up, blushing furiously.

Renji stared at him, then burst out laughing.

'Don't laugh!' Shuuei said hotly.

'Why are you getting so worked up? It's obvious I didn't mean it. I was drunk, right?' he laughed.

Shuuei raised an eyebrow in a 'Yeah-Sure-Whatever' kind of way, but said nothing.

'It's true. If I wasn't drunk there's no way I'd sleep with you. You can forget it! And you said you'd never sleep with me! I don't get it…'

'Look, I didn't tell you cos I thought it would make things weird between us. And I don't want that, ya know?' he looked sheepish, 'which is why I bribed everyone to lie to you.'

'Oh ok…' Renji nodded absent mindedly. Then he worked out what Shuuei had just said.

'You did _what?!_'

'I bribed everyone. And I mean _everyone_. I bought Rangiku flowers and chocolates and I gave Yumichika a new mirror and got him this hair stuff he's been looking for and I promised Ikakku that I'd buy the first round next time we went out,' he reeled off, 'then I went to Captain Hitsugaya and told him that if he kept his mouth shut, because Rangiku had already told him, I'd break Momo up with her secret boyfriend.'

'Momo has a secret boyfriend?' Renji gasped.

'Nope. But he doesn't know that, so he agreed to play along. I wasn't worried about Kira because he was so drunk he wouldn't remember the name of his own mother, let alone what happened last night. Which left Iba, but when I saw him I knew there was no way he'd be leaving the house with his facial hair in the state it was. And then I told Zaraki that I'd baby-sit Yachiru for a week, but he said forget that, it has to be a month at least. So now I'm looking after Yachiru for a month and it's going to be a hyperactive Yachiru, because the only way she agreed to keep quiet was if I gave her candy.'

'Seriously?' Renji was amazed, 'sounds expensive.'

'No shit!' he sighed dramatically, 'and I had to get up really early, first so you wouldn't see me, and second cos I had to sneak into Rugonkai and buy all the presents and _then_ deliver them. I felt like freakin' Santa! And why are all the people we hang out with so greedy? They all wanted something. When I went to see Ukitake-taichou and Kyouraku-taichou, they agreed to deny everything straight away, should you ask. So did Nanao. That's the kind of people we _should_ be friends with.'

He took a deep breath.

'So there ya go.'

'So you're telling me… that everyone I asked knew about it? But you paid them off to keep them quiet?'

'Yeah…' Shuuei sighed, 'I seriously thought I cut off all the leaks. I had no idea that Kuchiki had seen us together. He must have mentioned it to one of the other captains, who then told him the full story.'

Renji was silent for a moment.

'You went to some pretty crazy lengths to make sure I didn't find out.'

'Mmm… but I had to, ya know?' he looked at his friend, 'I thought that things would be dead weird between us, and I didn't want that. I mean, you're my best friend.'

Renji was touched that Shuuei had actually admitted it out loud. The effect was ruined slightly by the way he looked around to check no-one was listening and lowered his voice, but the meaning remained the same. Sort of.

'Thanks Shuu.'

Shuuei grinned at the red-head sat next to him.

Renji sighed.

'You should've just told me. I mean, you admitted to kissin' me straight up.'

'Yeah I know. An' I'm sorry. Really.'

'Well… s'ok, I guess,' Renji grudgingly admitted. Shuuei was being sincere, after all.

'But look on the bright side,' Shuuei smiled at him, 'because I bribed everyone, it's stayed within our group. It aint gonna get round the whole Seireitei. Kuchiki must've been lying when he said that everyone knew.'

'Hey, yeah!' Renji grinned, brightening considerably at this new information.

'So… I guess that's the end of it then,' he stood up to leave.

Shuuei stayed on the floor, looking up at him with a funny expression.

'What?' Renji asked uneasily. He didn't like that look. It was the 'Yeah-Sure-Whatever' stare that Shuuei had been giving him earlier.

'Dya not want to know all the details?' Shuuei was still giving him the Y-S-W look.

'Details?' repeated Renji, looking blank.

'Yeah… you were all interested earlier,' he was looking a little sly now, 'I found it interestin', to say the least.'

_I really don't want to hear a blow-by-blow account of what happened last night,_ Renji thought to himself, _oh crap, wait, _blow-by-blow_ sounds too perverted! I didn't mean it _literally_, I meant as in, I don't want to hear every little tiny detail. Not that there's anything tiny to describe in detail… oh God, shut up brain!_

_You are disgusting! _Zabimaru reprimanded him.

'Err... I'll pass, Shuuei. But thanks anyway.'

Shuuei grinned mischievously.

'Come on! It might be worth your while…'

'How could it possibly be worth my while? I don't wanna know, dammit!'

Shuuei laughed.

'You're such a prude!'

'I am not!'

'Yes you are! Are you scared it'll be all x-rated and I'll make you blush?' he giggled.

Renji muttered something like '_I'm not scared and I don't blush either!_' but unless you spoke Dog it just sounded like growling.

'What was that?' Shuuei asked innocently, cupping a hand to his ear, 'oh, okay, I'll tell you. Since you insist.'

He put on a simpering grin and batted his eyelashes.

'Well, one night, I went into your room…' Shuuei began, in a mock storyteller's voice.

'Shut up!' Renji felt his face colour, which just caused Shuuei to smile evilly.

'And I said, _why Renji, you appear to have made your way home. However did you do that, you smelly drunk? _To which you responded by grabbing me round the neck,' he was mercifully starting to lose his mothering voice, 'and I was kind of like, oh this isn't such a good idea. The alcohol was wearin' off by then. But then you said something along the lines of how much you loved me…'

'Can ya stop now?' Renji cringed, looking frantically up and down the corridor in case someone they knew appeared.

'Almost done, I swear,' Shuuei promised, 'and then you grabbed me and kissed me. I was like, get off me! at first, but it wasn't that bad…' he seemed to lose the thread of what he was talking about at this point, and stared off into the distance.

Renji let him do this for a minute or two, but felt it was time to interrupt Shuuei's reminiscing when he saw a slightly perverted smile spreading across his face.

'What?' Shuuei jumped, startled back to reality by the loud cough Renji had just given, 'oh right, and we kissed for a bit… and then… you said, _I'm glad you came back. Thanks for bringin' me home. _So I said,_ I didn't. _And you said;_ yeah you did! _And then you said…'

He stopped and looked at Renji.

'I just want you to know… I'm still your friend. I mean, I already know that you're a greedy bi bastard, so this totally doesn't change anythin', kay?'

'What the hell are you talkin' about?'

'The only reason you slept with me was because you thought I was someone else.' Shuuei said the whole thing very fast, as though it would be less painful for Renji to hear it quickly.

Renji didn't quite know what to say to that.

'So I slept with you, but I didn't think it was you?'

Shuuei shook his head.

'Well…' Renji mused, 'I wonder who I thought it was…'

'Err…'

He looked at Shuuei.

'Don't tell me you know?' he groaned.

Shuuei nodded meekly.

'The same person who took you home and put you to bed. You thought it was him and he'd come back, see?'

Shuuei looked at Renji in a 'please-don't-kill-me' kind of way.

He took a deep breath.

'You thought I was Ichigo.'

* * *

Hehe! I'll keep you guessing to the last! Yep this is officialy an IchiRenji fic! So for anyone who was getting all huffy that it was Shuuei (you know who you are!)... 

Special thanks go to ichixrenji-smexy love for the idea of an ichixrenjixshuuei threesome! It was too hard to write, but I thought that this was a good way of doing things!


	14. Advice

Sorry I haven't written in aaaaggggeeess. I'm back at scholl, which means lots of super fun GCSE coursework and the like. Sigh.

This chapter is dedicated to Niki, who nearly fainted a couple of weeks ago at the sight of Renji's tattoos. XD

* * *

Renji was scared. And not just '_oh crap there's a hollow coming towards me and I left my zanpakutou at home_' scared. Proper, paralysing, heat-of-battle, chatting-with-Gin-Ichimaru, Captain-Kuichiki's-gonna- rape-me scared.

But interestingly, he wasn't doing any of the above. He wasn't even having any of the above done _to_ him. No, right now he was hanging around on Ichigo Kurosaki's roof. And he was practically being sick with terror.

Captain Kuchiki had given him the day off to come to the human world. That in itself was about as surprising (and likely) as Nanao admitting that she secretly cherished a mad, uncontrollable, burning desire for captain Kyouraku, but Renji suspected that Byakuya had his own motives for letting Renji go. Possibly something to do with the way he'd whispered '_watch them!_' just as Renji had been about to leave.

And so Renji was, like a good lieutenant, following orders and watching them. Well, watching Ichigo. But it counted, didn't it? After all, he couldn't spy on them both at once, and if they weren't together he was going to have to stalk each in turn. And it was Ichigo's turn first.

So far, nothing interesting had happened. It was a report that would have made even his work obsessed captain snore. All Ichigo seemed to do was shout at that annoying stuffed animal of his and do homework.

Renji wondered how he'd phrase all this in a report. He considered writing it in code, that might spice it up a little. Otherwise, the most interesting thing about it was going to be the surprise appearance of Ichigo's maniac father, but he left almost as quickly as he'd arrived. No sooner had he leapt through the door had Ichigo punched him and he'd fallen out the room again.

It probably wouldn't be a good idea to mention in his groundbreaking summary of the mission that Ichigo had good reflexes. It might be taken the wrong way. And Byakuya would have skinned the boy alive.

_In my report, I'll call Ichigo 'Target'. Or maybe 'Perp'… _Renji thought to himself, now watching Ichigo smack Kon onto the floor for making a _very_ suggestive comment about his mother.

By the way, wondering _why_ exactly Renji was thinking such insanely stupid and irrelevant things when he _should_ have been getting on with the task at hand? It's because, as was previously mentioned, Renji was shit scared. And therefore was occupying his mind with anything other than what he was working himself up to do.

He'd been bracing himself for this moment for the last two days. He'd been to see anyone and everyone, desperate for advice.

How do you tell someone that you really like them?

Rangiku's answer was simple.

'Get 'em drunk,' she said confidently, 'that way, you'll have got it off your chest and if they don't feel the same way, you can both pretend it never happened!'

'That's a terrible idea, you idiot!' her captain had snapped, his head barely visible above his desk (the guy really _was_ short).

'Abarai, just go and tell them face to face.'

'You think that's what I should do?' Renji asked uncertainly.

Toushiro raised an eyebrow from behind his stack of paperwork.

'Will it get you out of my office?'

Renji nodded.

'Then yes, that's what I think you should do.'

'Don't listen to him, Renji!' Rangiku declared, leaping up off the couch and waving her sake bottle like a flag, 'he just wants to get you outta here!'

She turned and pointed an accusing finger at her young captain.

'If that's what you _really_ think, taichou, then why haven't you told Hinamori you like her?'

The temperature plummeted so fast that Renji's eyes couldn't keep up with the thermometer on the wall.

'Rangiku. Listen to me closely. I. Do not. Like. Momo. Did you understand that?'

Rangiku rolled her eyes, and said, in a voice that was _dripping_ with sarcasm; 'Oh, ok, I'm sure.'

Renji left before the room froze over, still without any idea as to what to say to Ichigo.

After two days, Iba's moustache had started to return to normal and he was daring to venture into the outside world again. This meant that he, Renji, Ikkaku, and Shuuei had been able to have their weekly poker game, and Renji had been able to use the opportunity to ask his friends for advice.

'Who dya wanna tell?' was Ikkaku's immediate response.

'No one you know,' Renji lied, giving a meaningful glance in Shuuei's direction, who looked away.

'But it's someone _Shuuei_ knows?' asked Ikkaku shrewdly, spotting the look that passed between the two.

'I got an idea. Buy 'em sparkly crap,' Iba suggested, 'nothin' says _I like you_ like crap.'

There was a pause.

'No _wonder _you can't get a girlfriend,' Shuuei snorted, whilst Iba re-ran what he'd just said through his mind.

'Oh shut up,' he growled, once he got what he'd said, 'I didn't mean give 'em _crap_ crap. I meant, girls love gettin' things like necklaces and jewellery and stuff. Makes 'em feel special. Unique. 'Specially if ya get somethin' they said they like, cos they don't expect ya to remember insignificant details like that.'

'How the hell do you know that?' Renji asked, both impressed and dumbfounded.

'My mum told me.'

'So it's not really _your_ idea then, is it Iba, if you got it from yer mum…'

'I reckon you shouldn't say anythin' buddy,' was Ikkaku's reply, 'Who'd wanna date you? You'd just get rejected. The only person you can get is Shuuei, an' he's a _guy_. And he was drunk to boot.'

The conversation deteriorated here, probably because Shuuei and Renji simultaneously jumped Ikkaku and attempted to strangle him. Iba, who Ikkaku had been insulting all week about his facial hair, did nothing to stop them.

So they were no good either.

Renji had next visited Yumichika. He was starting to feel like he was living in a déjà vu. Hadn't he only just been running around like a rabbit the other day? He thought he was done with all of that.

'Well, Renji, if it was _me_ you were attempting to impress…' Yumichika smiled slightly at him, and fluttered his eyelashes, 'not, of course, that you wouldn't try and impress me. After all, there is no one who could see beauty such as mine and not want it all for themselves…'

Oh god, he was getting into one of his 'I'm so darn _beautiful!_' rants. Mercifully, it was a fairly short one by Yumichika's standards. A mere eight and a half minutes later, Renji asked him again, and this time managed to get an answer. Kind of.

'Take them out somewhere. Be extra nice to them. Spent time together, and flatter them constantly. Only then is it safe to tell someone you like them, as by that point they should have figured it out for themselves,' Yumichika sighed dramatically, 'I have to tell you though Renji, on someone who has taste, these methods never work. I know all about these techniques, because you wouldn't _believe_ the amount of people who attempt to win me over with such superficial gestures. _Why _do such people even _think_ they stand a chance with me…'

They were back to Yumichika's favourite subject –himself- again.

'Err, right. Well, thanks Yumi. I guess,' Renji decided to leave quickly, before he had to listen to the pretty boy talk about how beautiful his own voice was.

'If only there was someone worthy of me…

'Bye!' Renji attempted to make his getaway.

'Is the Squad Nine lieutenant still single?' Yumichika asked suddenly.

'What, Shuuei?' Renji was a bit taken aback, 'Err, I think so…'

'_Really?_' Yumichika's smile was dazzling. Oh dear. Poor Shuuei didn't stand a chance.

After leaving Yumichika and gamely warning Shuuei of his newest admirer (Shuuei, quite rightly, sprinted off and barricaded himself in his office) Renji made a trip around the whole Seireitei, asking everyone he knew for advice.

Momo, like Toushiro, said Renji should just come clean. Of course, when Renji asked if she'd said that to _Shiro-chan_, she just turned scarlet and muttered something about '_having a lot of paperwork to do so bye'_.

Captain Kyouraku said he should write a letter. Renji was quite taken by this idea, until Shusui offered to give him some help.

'I write lots of love letters to my beloved Nanao-chan,' he smiled serenely.

Renji decided then and there that if he did write a love-letter, he would not be asking the Squad Eight captain for help. Shunsui's letter writing clearly did not have the desired effect.

Zaraki told him to beat whoever it was with a stick until they submitted. Renji suspected that the Squad Eleven captain didn't have a clue what he had asked. He only understood one thing.

'I hear yer goin' to the human world? You best tell Ichigo to get his ass over here so I can kick it back to where it belongs!'

Yachiru said that you should always tell people when you like them.

'But you have to find out if they like someone else first,' she warned, 'that's what I'm doing. Spying!'

She giggled, and carried on trying to force Maki-maki, or whatever his name was, to eat the pie she had made out of cardboard.

'Yummy! Come on, Maki-maki, I made this pie special, it's called _love-fest_!' she kept saying, 'Yum, yum, eat up! Mmmm!'

'I didn't know you had a crush on someone, Yachiru-chan,' Renji asked slyly, 'who is it?'

'Not sayin'!' she giggled, blushing, 'Come on, Scraggly Moustache, eat up!'

'Please? What division is he in?' Renji teased.

'Ten. It's easy for me to spy, cos he's next door,' she grinned up at Renji, giggling like mad, 'I watch him sometimes over the wall, and see if he has a girlfriend or not. So far he doesn't…'

Yachiru paused and looked around, then whispered conspiratorially.

'He once wrote a girl a letter saying that he liked her, but I stole it before it got to her, so she doesn't know.'

She looked at Renji endearingly.

'Ne, don't tell anyone, Pencil Brows?'

'Promise.'

'Kay! His name issss…' she stood on her victim's head – sorry, sorry, her _subordinate's_ head- and whispered in Renji's ear.

He left the division in amazement. Who knew that Yachiru had such a big crush on Captain Hitsugaya? That was kind of cute, actually. They were about the same size…

Renji learnt that day that absolutely no one in the Seireitei had any experience whatsoever at dealing with romantic matters. The advice he got was absolutely terrible. Apart from Zaraki's '_beat 'em with a stick', _he got '_buy them candy!_' from Jyuushiro Ukitake, '_Romance? What is that? Some kind of disease?_' from Mayuri Kurosutchi, the disturbing; '_tell them you would kill for them'_ from Izuru Kira, and '_Get out of my office, you moron, do you think I have time to be sitting around gossiping about your love-life?!'_

Naturally, the last one was from Soi Fong. She had also thrown a vase at him.

Renji got to the Squad Six office, was about to knock, then simply turned around and walked away. There was little point in asking Byakuya, even if he had been married once.

So, as he stood on top of Ichigo's roof, listening to the sound of the orange haired teenager tying Kon to the bottom of his bed, Renji was willing to admit he was scared. He'd never done anything like this before, and now he was about to walk in there completely unprepared, and tell Ichigo that he liked him.

It had taken a while for it to sink in. When Shuuei had told him that he had thought Shuuei was Ichigo (if you understood that. It made sense in his mind, anyway), Renji assumed it was just because he was drunk and Ichigo had taken him home.

But after a while, he'd begun to think that maybe it was more to do with the way Ichigo never seemed to give up, and the way he dared act obnoxious to Byakuya Kuchiki, and the way he constantly put his life on the line for his friends.

And then when he was lying in bed – the same bed which, twenty fours hours earlier (ish), had been occupied by Shuuei- he thought that maybe it had something to do with the way Ichigo's hair stuck up all over the place, and the broadness of his shoulders, and those deep brown eyes.

By morning, Renji knew he liked Ichigo.

He also knew he was screwed. Because he'd never actually told anyone that he liked them before. But he somehow felt that it would have been weird if he didn't say anything.

So, he was on the roof. And feeling oh-my-god-my-captain's-gonna-rape-me scared.

Renji gritted his teeth. He was gonna just go in there and do it. he was Renji Abarai, dammit, the lieutenant of Squad Six! Something like this should have been easy for him. Right. He was gonna do it. Now.

Right.

Right now.

Yeah…

Five minutes later, Renji decided that enough was enough. He leapt off the roof and, while his resolve was still set, knocked on Ichigo's window.

* * *

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